I have a femme fatale problem. This girl that I’m completely infatuated with keeps swooping in and out of my life and she’s driving me up the wall. I love it of course but it’s painful. I mean, she sends me selfies of her collarbones at midnight then disappears for weeks, only to resurface with a link to a relevant music video. Apparently she doesn’t want to sleep with me, just tempt me. The whole thing is as hot as it is infuriating. How do I extricate myself from somebody like this?
My Dearest Blueballs,
Oh dear god, yes! The tantalizing temptation of somebody who will never follow through, who goes hot and then cold and who’s just in in for the attention they can get from you. It’s just the best. And the worst.
We all have this bottomless pit of desire inside of us. It’s a gigantic bloody wound and when we’re not getting any romantic attention it heals up but then we start scratching it, (or somebody else starts scratching it for us) and it opens up all over again.
All of a sudden you’re heart is bleeding and your standing in the pouring rain screaming “Hey Stella!” at a window somewhere in Queens. I’ve been there and let me tell you, there is no end to the drama. It’s particularly challenging when someone you want to have sex with has astute musical taste, playing you all the songs you get down to without wanting to get down.
You could be getting pictures of various body parts, snippets of love songs and glimpses into her soul for the rest of your life without receiving any physical affection. If you have articulated your desires and she is still engaging in sexualized behavior with you, it’s up to you to make your peace that with that and with her, because as long you keep letting her in, #itgetsworse.
So, step away from the window in Queens, get on the subway, put your earbuds in and listen to this “mixtape” I’ve made for your journey home. It’s more “fuck that” than “let’s fuck,” and I think it’ll put you in the right mood.
Be a Creep.
Cry, scream, confess your love. Make an enormous fool of yourself as many times as you have to, with as little dignity as possibly until she has rejected you enough times that you can get it into your skull that she doesn’t want you.
Take a Look at Your Life.
Envision yourself as an old person in a comfy chair reading D.H. Lawrence by a fire alone and then being rudely interrupted by a text of the decolletage of a 70-year-old woman that has refused to sleep with you for decades. How enchanting will that be? Beauty fades, doll. Beauty fades.
I can’t tell you how many novels, movies, poems and songs have been written out of a sense of longing—for another person, an alternate reality, a greater purpose or a big white whale. Sometimes I wonder if we make art just to keep ourselves company while we’re waiting to fall in love.
You always have the option to politely ask this person to kindly go away.
If that doesn’t work, unplug.
Turn off all your devices for a day or two so you’re totally unreachable. How can you worry if she’s gonna text if you’re never going to pick up?
Understand that she’s not “The One.”
We operate under the artificial idea that there is one person out there for us and that our lives will cease being complicated at the moment when we find them. But my dear, there is no “one;” there is only a moment when we stop looking. This lady isn’t stopping for you so for god’s sake don’t atrophy yourself for her. Move on up. Life goes on.
Accept this romance for what it is.
You are getting your romantic fix from this woman, just not your sexual one. Try getting intimate with somebody else who actually wants to sleep with you. The way she’s toying with you might all of a sudden seem more fun than torturous.
Be your own protagonist.
Who is the person who is the biggest fucking deal you can think of? Can you picture Barack Obama, Madonna, Chopin or Jesus sitting around biting their nails waiting to get links to obscure music videos from some chick with a disappearing act? I don’t think so.
Buy new clothes. Cut your hair. Grow a beard. Theres nothing like retail or barber-shop therapy to help you feel better about yourself. Plus, maybe this honey won’t recognize you anymore.
Know how to Spot a Narcissist.
This is to help you avoid this predicament for next time. Narcissists are tricky creatures running rampant. Especially in urban areas. Truth is, a lot of us end up being narcissists at points in our lives but trying to love one is like trying to get rid of mice by carpeting your apartment with Cheez Doodles. Her seductive behavior sounds enchanting, however, it seems to be mostly about her. When was the last time she asked you how you’re feeling? What’s on your your mind? Think carefully….
Seek out people who make you feel loved and seen. Make your feelings clear and your boundaries clearer. You are the only one that can save yourself from this Femme. But, there is hope. It can be quite intoxicating to love somebody without being loved back.
Ultimately, it’s more about you than it is about them. Infatuation leaves you feeling incredibly small but very capable of loving. Do it for as long as you have to. Make her dinner, stare at her across a room, listen to her songs. This will all be great practice for when you fall in love with somebody who actually loves you (all of you) back.
PS. If that all fails, listen to this ultimate “fuck-that” track:
Just the Tips is Playboy.com’s weekly advice column, with professional matchmaker Katherine Cooper. Have a question for Katherine about sex, love or dating? Shoot her a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.