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Just the Tips: He Finishes Waaaay Too Quickly

Just the Tips: He Finishes Waaaay Too Quickly: © moodboard / Alamy

© moodboard / Alamy

Dear Just The Tips,
The person I’m seeing cums too fast. How can I get him to slow his roll?

xo
Less Than Patient

My Dearest,

This is a very sensitive topic, so to speak. If you take a dip into the land of Internet surveys about male insecurity in bed you’ll come across some harrowing stats. And if you even so much as peruse the “sex” subreddit you’re in for a lot of info regarding self-diagnosed erectile dysfunction.

Also, you should not be surprised to learn that “there’s an app for that.” The people at Nerve used the app called Spreadsheets to track how long men last from state to state. It turns out Alaska moves right along and Arizona lingers.

But the bigger question is: Why does this matter? Is it because in heterosexual partnership women take longer to orgasm from intercourse and therefore need their man to last or is it because men want to demonstrate their virility regardless of the pleasure of their partner?

Whenever we talk about men being able last, or not last, we have to think beyond personal pleasure and consider the cultural context from which our desire emerges. The treatment of erectile dysfunction has a sci-fi like history involving vacuum pumps, injections, polyurethane prostheses and the transplantation of testicular monkey tissue. Needless to say, if men are willing to take such extreme physical measures it must weigh heavily on their psyches.

For you the question seems a pragmatic one. This behavior is happening. I don’t like it. How do I fix it? Most men feel insecurity about this particular issue so addressing it as a problem that needs fixing will most likely freak him out and shut him down. It would if it was me. Therefore my advice for you is as much about communication as it is about positions and tactics.

GIVE IT TIME
How long have you been seeing this dude? Often this is a thing that improves with time and intimacy. He may just be extremely sensitive to a new experience with you.

VARY YOUR RHYTHM
Ask your guy what works for him. Does he usually climax when you’re going really slow or really fast? Try the opposite.

EXTEND THE FOREPLAY
This can mean a lot of different things. Basically, you want to extend the amount of time you both have to get aroused before penetration comes into the picture. Read this for more.

IT’S ONLY A GAME
Remember the “quiet game” when you were little? You tried to stay quiet for as long as possible for no real reason except for that your parents wanted you to? Pose trying to “last” in the same way to your partner—as a game you both can play, rather than an expectation that he needs to fulfill.

STAY SOBER
Drugs and booze have a proven effect on how long a man lasts. Skip the wine or save it for after your done.

DO IT AGAIN!
Sometimes by the second or third round the pressure’s off and gents have a bit more staying power.

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX
Many people really like to be told what their partner is into in bed, and there are myriad ways to explore this. Show him other kinds of things you’re into that don’t require him to “last.”

If none of this works, frame the conversation in terms of wanting to share your pleasure with him, not critiquing his mojo. You’ll be flying high in no time.

xK


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