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Just the Tips: How to Get Laid Anywhere

Just the Tips: How to Get Laid Anywhere: © Network Photographer / Alamy

© Network Photographer / Alamy

Hello Dears,

As the mercury dives below zero in New York City, I can’t imagine a better place to spend Valentine’s Day than LA—where the big houses, beautiful people, and seedy underbelly have seduced me for years.

I got here just in time. Driving through Beverly Hills in the back of a VW Jetta, I fantasize about afternoon sex, the thread count of my favorite movie stars’ sheets, and what it might be like to date a vegan-Scientologist-actor. I’m cruising.

In the midst of my reverie, my backseat companion turns to me and whispers:

“Nobody gets laid in LA.” I snap out of it.

“What?!”

“You can’t drink enough,” he explains. “You have to drive everywhere at the end of the night.”

Our Lyft driver, a late-20s white dude with an enormous beard and a top bun, nods vigorously in agreement. (And a few google searches later, I realize it’s not only my Lyft driver who’s struggling.)

Visions of afternoon delight in the Hollywood Hills and late-night trysts on Venice Beach dissipate. I am beside myself. I can rarely resist telling Top Bun to turn the car around and drive it all the way back to Brooklyn.

Instead, I turn to the men of Playboy’s Sex and Culture desk, who seem to know a thing or two about getting laid in Los Angeles. What’s the deal, boys? Is LA really so tough? My editor Zak Stone suggests we talk it out while hiking up Echo Mountain near Pasadena; fellow freelancer Zaron Burnett III decides to tag along.

As we begin our winding ascent, Zaron kicks up dust with the flyest kicks I’ve seen while Zak’s Crossfit bod leads the way. They both ooze the kind of charisma that I thought had died with the golden age of Hollywood. Together we discuss the infinite potential to find love and sex no matter where you are, regardless of which Hallmark holiday happens to be taking place.

Here are 25 places to get laid this Valentine’s Day, courtesy of the gents—and lady—of Sex and Culture.


IN YOUR CAR
If there’s anything my L.A. trip taught me, it’s the importance of cleaning out your car—you never know who’s junk will end up in your trunk.

ON A ROOFTOP
Feel the wind in your hair and your neighbors’ eyes on your body (if you’re into that).

IN THE THEATER DURING *50 SHADES*
Theaters may be packed for opening weekend, but there’s no better way to test the waters of middle America’s opening minds by a live demonstration of Christian Grey’s tactics.

BASEMENT BATHROOM OF A BAR DURING LAST CALL
The bar is closing, and you should be too. Bring your special someone to the dirtiest corner of your neighborhood bar—romance is found in extremes.

IN YOUR PARENTS’ BED
Put an end to mommy and daddy issues once and for all. Or start them anew.

The MADONNA INN
The 109 themed-rooms at this campy California hotel can serve as a backdrop to virtually any fantasy—from orientalist to paleo-living to “Old Fashioned Honeymoon.” Book it.

IN A MODEL HOME
There’s something delightfully “porn set” about a fake home. See what you can unlock besides the front door.

THE SUBWAY
The MTA is now discouraging men from taking up too much space on the subway. Seems like a perfect excuse to combine bodies.

A PAY-BY-THE-HOUR MOTEL
You don’t have to break any laws to feel like you’re breaking them. (Pro tip: bring a spare top sheet. Some of those stains are contagious.)

ON YOUR COUCH
Why is there no “kitty style”? Sex on the couch is as close as we can get—lazy and cozy, just like a cat. One of you can even stay seated. Or watch Netflix. Or take calls. Or act like a lazy motherfucker.

IN AN ELEVATOR IN THE TALLEST BUILDING IN YOUR TOWN
Bonus points if your town is Dubai. You’re fucking on top of the world.

IN VEGAS.
Vegas allows you to get it like ancient Romans, medieval knights, French mimes, or Egyptian Pharaohs—all in one weekend. Travel through time and space to your favorite-themed hotel and indulge. Just don’t fake anything else (ladies…).

IN OUTER SPACE
If Richard Branson is your BF. And you don’t want things to get too “heavy.”

ON THE BEACH
The smell of sea air, the rhythm of the waves, the sun on your skin: a beach can be all kinds of sexy. Just remember to bring a blanket—a big blanket. It gets crunchy real quick.

IN A TENT
Camping in February is chilling. Getting busy in a tent in February is hot. If nature is calling this weekend, will you answer?

ON A BOAT
Maybe you fantasize about being a pirate, or maybe you’re on a rescue mission for the Coast Guard. Make the saying “It’s all about the motion of the ocean” a reality.

AT THE GYM
This is a no-brainer for our gay male brothers and sisters but it shouldn’t be exotic for anyone else. Invite your boo to wait for you in the yoga after Pilates or Crossfit for a “bonus set” of reps.

AT DISNEYLAND
They call it the Happiest Place on Earth and with a little imagination it can be the sexiest. Just leave Mickey and Minnie out of it unless you want to end up in Disney Jail.

WAITING IN LINE AT THE BORDER
This is what road head was designed for.

IN AN AIRBNB
Nothing shows appreciation for the social entrepreneur whose loft you’re renting like having an orgasm in his bed (or kitchen). Proceed with caution, however: certain objects (lube, condoms, butt plugs) are best left out of the sharing economy’s reaches.

IN A MUSEUM
Consider yourself a performance artist, showing your work by invitation only. The museum curators will be pissed they weren’t on the list for this very exclusive engagement. (See this guy for inspiration.)

FIRST CLASS/LIE FLAT SEATS
Make Virgin America a misnomer.

IN A SKI LODGE
Ignore the $12 chile. Head for the free bathroom sex.

IN AN UBER (OR BETTER YET, A LYFT)
Unlike Uber, Lyft screens its drivers. (Not for STDs, though, so buckle up.)

ON A MOUNTAIN TOP
Sex and hiking share so much in common: increased blood flow, great views, and tremendous climaxes. Combine the two and climax from the climax. A few of our favorite peaks:

• Mt. Washington, NH (for those of you turned on by Patriotism)
• Mt. Everest, Nepal (for those with a death wish as strong as their sex drive)
• Table Mountain, South Africa (If you want a top notch glass of wine afterwards)

As I crested Mt. Echo with Zaron and Zak, I found myself amidst the ruins of a sanitorium built in the 1890s by New Englanders who’d come west to go wild. I could relate. Gazing out over L.A. all the way down to the harbor and Catalina Island beyond, I imagined bodies entwined in every bungalow, strip mall and sound stage from here to there.

Sex is alive and well in LA this VDay. I hope this list resuscitates it for you this weekend, wherever you are.

xK

PS: Join me on Playboy’s Twitter next Wednesday at 2 PM EST / 11 AM PST. Bring your questions and tag them with the #JustTheTips hash-tag. The juiciest of them will receive my attention. ;-)


Just the Tips is Playboy.com’s weekly advice column, with professional matchmaker Katherine Cooper. Have a question for Katherine about sex, love or dating? Shoot her a note at justthetips@playboy.com.


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