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Just The Tips: She Doesn’t Like Having Sex While I’m High

Just The Tips: She Doesn’t Like Having Sex While I’m High: © ImageZoo / Corbis

© ImageZoo / Corbis

Dear Katherine,

I smoke pot regularly, and it helps with my anxiety. I also love having sex when I’m high. It makes me feel uninhibited and relaxed. My wife isn’t as into it. Pot makes her anxious, and she gets really in her head. It also makes her a little bit uncomfortable that I’m high when we have sex but she isn’t.

I want her to have a good time in bed, and she’s open but reticent to having sex while high. What’s the best approach here? How can I continue to have sex while high but make sure that my wife enjoys herself?

Thanks!

- High Husband

My Dearest,

Sex AND drugs! The only thing missing from your question is rock and roll. Your question has a twofold nature. We have the “How do I have sex while I’m high?” aspect and the “How do I mitigate my partner’s anxiety?” part. These are separate issues, but in your case they’re deeply related. Wanting to have sex while high is relatively straightforward. Accommodating another human’s anxiety remains deeply complicated.

I feel compelled to say that I personally feel one should tread carefully when it comes to sex and drugs. Maybe my New England heritage makes me puritanical, but I have always been a bit of a proponent for sober sex. When you have sex sober, awkwardness tends to come to the surface sooner and negotiating awkwardness can actually lead to enhanced pleasure and trust.

That being said, it sounds like for you experimenting with high sex with your partner is a curiosity, and I’m pleased to give you some tools to navigate those waters. Sex on drugs is rarely just about the drugs. It tends to be about the deeper truths of the sexual relationship between the people involved. Let’s go down the rabbit hole…


HAVE SEX SOBER
Like I said, I’m all for this. You might experience some of the anxiety that your partner feels when she’s sober and having sex with you and you’re high. Sober sex could give you a window into what she’s going through while you’re feeling uber-chill. At that point you’ll have a common experience from which to begin a physical and verbal conversation.

DIVERSIFY YOUR DRUGS
Pot, like people, comes in various shapes and sizes. Some are more body-focused. Others more mind-focused. Ask your distributor or whoever you get your stuff from for something that will help you lady in the body department. Some brands of cannabis focus on just that.

MAKE A DEAL
One night, before you get busy, make a pact to verbally articulate what either of you wants at any given moment. Regardless of who’s sober and who’s high this is good practice for any couple. Anxiety often stems from feeling out of control and unable to articulate why. If you set up a structure wherein you’re both supposed to be talking, your partner may feel she has more permission to communicate. It also means that if you do eventually choose to have sex while high, she’ll feel more able to articulate herself in the moment.

CLEAR YOUR SCHEDULE
One of the things that pot does is expand one’s sense of time, which often leads to decreased anxiety. If you’re getting it on with a sober individual, however, they may not share your sense of infinite time and space. Create a circumstance for your wife where she feels she has time and space to relax and go at her own pace.

TAKE SEX OFF THE TABLE
If she is open to getting high with you, try getting high together and then doing something besides having sex. Maybe you go for a hike or do karaoke or cook a meal. Whatever you’re doing keep tabs on how you’re both feeling for the duration of your high. You could take this to the next level and decide to hang out naked together while you’re high and do some sensual touching and canoodling but not have intercourse. Sometimes we can feel more relaxed and sensual when we know we don’t have to have sex.

DISCUSS WHY SHE’S NOT THAT INTO IT
Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about why it makes her uncomfortable to have sex with you while you’re high. Is she worried you’ll be out of it and won’t listen carefully? Doe she feel like it distances you? Ask her to articulate her concern about this particular scenario so that you can address that while you’re getting busy.

DON’T TRY TO SOLVE THE ANXIETY
When people are anxious, whether they’re on drugs or not, we can feel as though it’s our job to make things better for them. If you’re feeling turned on you might want the anxiety to go away so that you can get back to it. That usually makes people more anxious. Make it clear that the anxiety and the potential release of that anxiety can be an integral part of your sex life and adds another shade of experience to your intimacy.

Usually issues and fears that come up while people are high are not simply because they’re under the influence. They have some kind of origin in the rest of their lives. Use this question of high sex with your wife to explore communication in your sexual lives rather than making it an issue to be solved. As Allen Ginsberg, that American icon of sex and drugs once wrote, “The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy! The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand and asshole holy! Everything is holy! Everybody’s holy! Everywhere is holy! Everyday is in eternity! Everyman’s an angel!”

I’m perfectly sober but his ecstasy gives me a bit of a contact high. We forget this kind of attitude when it comes to sex whether it’s with or without drugs. Do whatever you can to find a little bit of holiness in your anxious angel wife. She’ll appreciate that whether she’s stone cold sober or high as Ginsberg himself.

xK


Just the Tips is Playboy.com’s weekly advice column with professional matchmaker Katherine Cooper. Have a question for Katherine about sex, love or dating? Shoot her a note at justthetips@playboy.com or follow her @kathkathcoop.


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