Of all the things you can do that will ruffle the Internet’s feathers—like posting a pro-Trump status on Facebook, saying Beyoncé is overrated, or admitting you haven’t watched The Wire—no act draws more ire than daring to slap an unconventional topping on your pizza and posting the offensive visual proof to social media. We Americans are always squabbling over our many interpretations of the U.S. Constitution, but the one law we can all agree to uphold is the Pizza Topping Law™: Fail to adorn your pie with one of three acceptable fixings—pepperoni, sausage and extra cheese—and you must be thrown in jail without parole, left to starve and think about your egregious food crime until you leave this mortal coil.
Which brings us to Peeps pizza.
On Sunday, a monster named Austin Braun—verified on Twitter, which means they just give out blue check marks to anyone these days—posted this photo of a perfectly good pizza pie ruined by the horrifying presence of melted marshmallow chicks on top:
This > pineapple pizza. 😍 pic.twitter.com/6aPAvc2Pey— Austin Braun (@AustinOnSocial) April 2, 2017
Predictably, the good people of Twitter went apeshit, prompting Braun to later ask the pitchfork-wielding masses to “please stop sending me death threats.” I won’t go that far—we’ve all made heinous food mistakes, like how I asked for ketchup with my steak until approximately 2004—but I don’t feel bad putting Braun on blast.
That’s because the concept of Peeps on pizza is positively vile for many reasons, not the least of which is that Peeps themselves are positively vile. And I should know: These demonic Easter delicacies hail from my hometown of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, and are so revered around these parts that they drop a fucking 200-pound Peep from the sky every New Year’s Eve, as if to remind that our marshmallow overlords will one day rule us all.
So please, Austin Braun and all other savages that may try to replicate this stunt: Resist. Keep Peeps off your pizza. Don’t let them win.