In a move that will in no way doom our nation, Cryos International, one of the world’s oldest and largest sperm banks, will be moving its headquarters near the University of Central Florida in order to get closer to the tap.

The company knows exactly what it’s looking for and is not shy about saying so:

Cryos is definitely targeting college students, a spokesman for the company, Jim Londeree, said. Its new location is near UCF and Central Florida Research Park.

“There’s a huge donor base here 18 to 29, because of the universities. Approved donors are screened for a variety of genetic diseases and can make up to $750 a month,” Londeree said.

(Oh, so if a giant corporation sets up next to a college offering $750 for sperms it’s totally cool, but when I do it, it’s creepy? How’s that fair?)

Anyway, if you’re in Florida and want some booze money for something you were just going to leave on your sheets anyway, Cryos International is your place, unless you’re a redhead. They don’t take sperm from redheads (seriously). Will the senseless ginger-bashing ever cease?