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Vin Diesel’s New Witch Hunter Flick Is the Only Movie That Matters Now

Vin Diesel’s New Witch Hunter Flick Is the Only Movie That Matters Now:

Vin Diesel has a new movie coming out called The Last Witch Hunter and it’s going to bankrupt America because it will be the only thing any of us spend money on.

In it, Diesel plays a witch hunter. That not cool enough? Fine. He’s also immortal. Still no? Alright, he’s also stopping a plague from wrecking New York City. There. And Michael Caine’s in it too!

But let’s talk about that poster. For starters, it looks like the best dark metal album of all time (which would sound killer, given his voice sounding like he’s smoked cigarettes since he was a baby). It’s like they made the Iron Throne a freakin’ tank. Clearly designed by someone who’s apparently had a checklist titled “Cool Stuff” sitting around for years, this poster officially beats every other Vin Diesel poster.

Honestly, for True Detective’s third season, they should just have two Vin Diesels team up. He’s the best person for vengeance tales. His name’s an anagram for “I end lives”, for Vin’s sake!

Even if this movie somehow has Madea, Jar Jar Binks, and Katherine Heigl in it, there’s no way you’re not seeing it.

This glorious festival of Vin Diesel hits theaters (with all his powerful might) the week before Halloween, so you better start saving your money and strength now, because the minimum number of times anybody’s going to see this thing is 100.

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