Q: I’ve found myself masturbating the same way for a long time now: five minutes of the same genre of porn—if you must know—and then clearing my internet history almost immediately after orgasm. Then I go back to washing the dishes.

Any advice on how to make making love to myself a little more special?


Stuck in a Self-Love Rut


I feel you. I too have a self-love routine I get bored with! What a lazy lover you’ve become! I say to myself. Whatever happened to date night? Remember when we were 13 and everything felt new and fresh and exciting and dangerous? How do we get that buzz back?

Routines organize our bodies in time and space. I sit in my kitchen, in the same chair and drink my cup of coffee while reading The New York Times for 12 minutes every morning, just as you lie in bed, open your computer, watch the same genre of porn and come in five minutes

Truth is, it’s okay for your masturbation to be routine, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Most people are pretty habitual about loving themselves. It ultimately makes us seek out others to satisfy our carnal needs which is definitely not a bad thing. But your relationship with yourself is the longest one you’ll ever have, and sometimes you’re going to have to spice it up.

If you are feeling ill at ease with any sort of routine you must shift the temporal and spatial conditions of possibility for your actions. Some tips:

-Give yourself more time. Go ahead. Set a timer if you have to.

-Lock yourself in your room for an hour.

-While you’re at it, bring in some other things that you enjoy. Fresh fruit? Trash TV? Chocolate? Poetry? Connect your sexual pleasure to other areas of pleasure in your life.

-Don’t restrict yourself from doing anything you normally do when you masturbate but rather, take an additive approach. What happens if you watch another genre as well? What if you do it twice in one hour? What if you masturbate for a while without climaxing and then eat some pineapple and then get back to it?

-Do not expect yourself to be turned on in the same way by these new experiences (after all we all know sex with a new lover for the first time is rarely mind-blowing) but do treat your hour like a private experiment in pleasure.

-You may want to consider introducing various kinds of toys or lubricants as well. Think of your purchases like a September update to your wardrobe.

-Also, try it without porn; what fantasies might you be ignoring?

-Finally, change up your space. Hotel reservation for one perhaps? Count me in. Or better yet, count me out.

Have a question for Katherine about sex, love or dating? Shoot her a note at justthetips@playboy.com.