Proposing marriage is one of the biggest moments in a person’s life. You’ll be telling the story of how you popped the question forever so don’t settle for a boring, ordinary, down-on-one-knee proposal. Instead, do one of these.
AT A FUNERAL
Funerals are meant to be a celebration of life, and what greater cause to celebrate is there than an engagement? So come on! Turn that eulogy into a YOU-logy. (“you” = “her”) Death is forever - show her that your love for her is too!
Hire a skywriter to do what they do best - come to your house and propose for you. Think about it - these guys write words for a living, it stands to reason they’ll be great at saying them too!
TATTOO ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME’ ON YOUR FACE
Women want to know you’re committed. What’s more committed than putting a permanent symbol of your desire to spend the rest of your life with her right on your fucking face? Every time she looks at you it’ll be like you’re proposing all over again!
Texting is the most popular form of communication among young people. Show her how hip, with it, and totally chill you are by texting “WYMM”?
Same as above, except “WYMM” is written on your dick.
ON YOUR PRIVATE JET
Show her you’re one of the richest, most powerful men in the world by proposing on your Bombardier BD-700 Global Express (the same kind Oprah owns) while you fly over Paris at sunset, all while being serenaded by your best friends The Rolling Stones as they play an intimate concert for two.
Face it, women love bad boys. What better way to show her she’s not settling down with some stuffed shirt than to tell her you can’t live without her - and you won’t let her live without you?
AFTER WATCHING THE FIRST 1O MINUTES OF ‘UP’
What a beautiful relationship that couple had. Show her you’ll be with her ‘til the end by pausing the movie right after that old guy’s wife dies - and asking her to be the Ellie* to your Carl**.
SURGICALLY HIDE THE RING INSIDE HER
The Saw franchise is one of the most successful series in the history of horror. Make her feel like the star of the show by kidnapping her and surgically implanting the engagement ring of her dreams inside her pancreas.
SPELL OUT ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME’ USING FERAL CATS
Everyone loves cats, especially when they’re used for romance! (If the cats won’t stay in place, administer a light tranquilizer.)
And if everything else fails, go traditional and just get her pregnant.
Mike is an actor and comedian based in Los Angeles. Follow @mikeleffingwell on Twitter.