Being a teacher is a pretty thankless job. It underpays and grading papers is basically just adult homework. One of the only respites is getting to read ridiculous excuses and requests from the nation’s best and brightest. Below are a few of the most memorable e-mails received by the professors over at Reddit.
1. Ten points for Gryffindor
One day I was checking my work email and noticed a request to miss class that Friday “because I am playing in the Quidditch finals this Saturday in Canada.” Since it was Wednesday and our class was about to start, I decided to confront the prankster in class. I get to class and see the students crowding his desk. Well, apparently he knew I wouldn’t believe him, so he brought his gear into class along with an album of photos of him playing Quidditch throughout High School. Now, I am a self-proclaimed Harry Potter fan and I felt so shamed that day I just let his absence slide. When he returned to class, he brought photos of his match and even though they lost the game, he seemed grateful that I didn’t penalize him.
2. Either she’s crazy or there’s something seriously wrong with her
“I have my period every week at the time that lab is scheduled so it’s been difficult for me to make it because of heavy menstruation. I know that this may not make you happy, but if you don’t pass me I’m going to have to take this to the head of the department and possibly to a lawyer because you are discriminating against women.”
3. There will be blood on your hands
“Please increase my grade from a C to a B. I’m on academic probation, and if I don’t get a B, I’ll be required to withdraw. If I am required to withdraw, my student visa will be revoked. If my student visa is revoked, I will have to return to my home country. If I have to return to my home country, I’ll be forced into compulsory military service. If I’m forced into compulsory military service, I’ll be sent to a border region [Kashmir?]. If I’m sent to a border region, I’ll be killed. And it will be your fault because you didn’t give me a B.”
3. I don’t think he’ll actually ‘see’ him do anything
This is an email chain from a student I don’t think I ever actually saw.
“Can I get an extension?”
“You haven’t turned anything all year. I’m not even sure if you’ve been to any classes. It’s December. What possible reason could I have you giving you an ‘extension’?”
“I paid for the class so I deserve the credit for it.”
“You paid for the chance to learn. You chose to not take that chance. I look forward to seeing you next semester.”
4. Always refer to your professors by made up nicknames
This is an actual e-mail, my name is James with an Irish last name: “Hey, Jimmy Mac. I just finished that math assignment. I F*##ed that thing up! It was pretty straight forward. The only one that tricked me was #29 b/c they used decimalia in the parentheses and I eyeballed it, originally had an answer of undefined slope, but checked my answer and realized that since both points had reciprocal x,y coordinates, I mistakenly subtracted the wrong terms, giving me 0 where it actually figures to be a slope of -1. I did like the last problem that involved the treadmill. Now when I go to the gym, I’ll be thinking about slope intercept formula when I’m running. haha! See you in class tomorrow. Thirsty thursday! – Ben”
5. “This girl is on fire!”
The content of the email was basically that she had to skip class and didn’t know how to phrase it so she said, “Sorry I couldn’t come to class my vagina is on fire.” End of email. She sent another email Monday saying, “I will be attending class this coming Tuesday, I’m sorry about missing class. But the fire is out.”
6. Do it for Bey
“Good Evening Professor,
I would like to inform you that I will not be in class today due to this holiday. On September 4, 1981 The Lord blessed us all with the Goddess that is Queen Beyoncé Knowles-Carter’s birthday. Out of respect, I will not be attending class today, The Lords Day. For any further questions, feel free to contact me. Have a blessed day and remember, Beyonce Loves You so Bow Down.”