FIESTA TIME, PEOPLE. It’s Cinco de Mayo on Tuesday, so we the editors at Playboy used that as an excuse to lock ourselves in a conference room and drink Mexican beer in the middle of the day. It’s how much we care about our readers, that we’ll sacrifice a productive workday like that. We tried each of these brews and rounded up some telling quotes. Here is our definitive—mostly sober—ranking of the beers you’ll be drinking Tuesday.


Trader Joes

12. TRADER JOSE
“Foams up in your mouth like you have rabies.”
“I don’t want drink this.” [Pours off cup into editor who is not looking]
“The finish falls flat.”
“Almost kind of acidic.”

11. TECATE
“There’s a bar called the Cherry Tavern in New York City that had a special where for $5 you could get a shot of tequila and a Tecate. And it took years off my life.”

Dos Equis

10. DOS EQUIS
“It’s the Mexican Heineken.”

Corona

9. CORONA LIGHT
“Bland, but offensively bland.”
“Needs lime.”
“Slightly more bitter than Modelo.”
“I’m not into this one.”

Corona

8. CORONA
“A little maltier than the light. ‘Maltier’ is a word, right?”
“Some more hard edges than the light, but not in a bad way.”
“I’d like to drink this with a burger.”

Trader Joes

7. TRADER JOSE DARK
“Nutty, malty, a touch more hops than the rest of these Mexican beer brethren.”
“It reminds me of Newcastle, but not as sweet.”
“I wouldn’t want to drink it when it’s hot like I do with the other ones.”
“Subtle coffee and chocolate.”

Modelo

6. MODELO
“I’d compare it to a good domestic light beer.”
“It’s not skunky like some Mexican beers.”
“This is my day drinking beer.”

Sol

5. SOL
“If I show up to a party and they’re serving this, I’m not unhappy.”

Modelo

4. NEGRA MODELO
“This is like Trader Jose Dark but better.”

Pacifico

3. PACIFICO
“Doesn’t need lime like a Corona does.”
“A little bit fuller bodied than the other light Mexican beers.”

Bohemia


2. BOHEMIA
“Clear, crisp, but still more complex than most of it’s Mexican lager counterparts.”

Cabotella


1. CABOTELLA
“Smells the best for sure.”
“Has a honey flavor.”
“This takes like an actual beer. Like an adult made it.”
“Way more complex than its competitors.”
“Wait, is this a craft beer? That seems like cheating.”
“DELICIOSO.”


Jeremy Repanich is a Senior Editor at Playboy. Follow him on Twitter @racefortheprize.