Members of the U.S. Armed Forces deserve our utmost respect and our most powerful technology so they can properly go America all over everybody’s ass. Thus, it shouldn’t be surprising to read about some new tech that has been designed specifically for our nation’s finest soldiers—but I can’t say I necessarily saw this curious piece of Army gear coming.

The new gadget is called the Lifetime Silicone Stroker, a male sex toy that feels something like the inside of a vagina and also billed as the first masturbation device “built Military-tough for men serving in the Armed Forces.“

According to the hype video, below, the Stroker meets or exceeds MIL-STD-810, the most rigorous set of performance tests for operation under extreme environmental conditions. These conditions include temperature shock, contamination by fluids, sand and dust, acceleration, and fungus. I’ll tell you what: you haven’t lived until you see a masturbator get dropped into a pot of boiling water in slow motion.

According to Maxim, the Stroker comes from the mind of Brian Sloan, who once held a contest to find the world’s most beautiful vagina, the winner of whose anatomy he apparently used as the model for the Stroker. So when you buy the Stroker (someone is buying this, right?), you’re not just sticking your penis into any old sleeve.

This thing retails for $80, which sounds fair for a sex toy that can withstand any gnarly shit you throw at it. But if you’re active duty with an American Post Office shipping address (and you act fast), you can get one for free—as long as 300 other horny soldiers don’t beat you to the punch.

The real question is, despite its advertising, how many soldiers will actual order this product? If any one knows a man stationed overseas who’s brave enough to buy this—and c'mon, that can’t be hard, since these men are our finest and bravest—we’ll do our part to support the troops and send him one for free.