Modern Whore is a creative sex-work memoir written by Playboy.com Contributing Writer Andrea Werhun and features short story narratives, fiction and fairy-tale combined with art by Nicole Bazuin. Based on her two years as an escort in Toronto, the book takes an honest look at the funny, meaningful, disturbing and erotic aspects of the world’s oldest profession. Presented below is “The Reviews,” an excerpt. Pre-order a copy of Modern Whore today via Kickstarter.

An escort review board is a place where johns share their stories or “reviews” of a sex worker’s services. Some reviews read like erotica, some like the specs of a used car and others like good ol’ fashioned snuff. The Erotic Review and other message boards are where sexual objectification takes its most literal form. Sex workers, or “service providers” (SPs for short), of all stripes—escorts, rub-and-tuggers, strippers, phone sex operators, street workers, you name it—are critiqued on everything from their appearance, attitude and permissiveness to their intelligence, “conversationalist” skills and available services. While reviews are undoubtedly helpful for the potential consumer—especially when one’s hobby costs anywhere from $100 to $1,000 an hour—many sex workers are uncomfortable with having their body, mind and soul criticized by a stranger with a big mouth, a few hundred dollars, and an internet connection.

“Hobbyists,” as they call themselves, write reviews that are often not only unnervingly detailed but also completely unverifiable. There’s nothing stopping a hobbyist from fabricating a bad review, be it out of boredom or out of spite. A bad review for a sex worker can have serious implications: beyond damaging her hard-won reputation, it can also destroy her business by dissuading both new and returning clients. The threat of a “bad review” from a self-entitled hobbyist can, in turn, lead the sex worker into dangerous territory.

A bad review for a sex worker can have serious implications: beyond damaging her hard-won reputation, it can destroy her business.

It should not be surprising, then, that hobbyists have a reputation for asking for more than what is being offered. If a client has a chip on his shoulder because a sex worker has declined, for instance, to do anal when maybe she’s agreed to do it in the past, the client-cum-critic can easily say, “If we don’t do anal, I’ll have to write a bad review.” This puts the already vulnerable sex worker in a difficult position: say no to anal and bye-bye to her business, or say yes and get raped for a good review. Thanks to the law, crooked cops and rape culture, a sex worker can’t walk into a police station and have her rape case taken seriously by the authorities. “You shouldn’t have been selling sex in the first place,” may be the first piece of unsolicited advice she’ll hear, perhaps followed by the question, “Can a prostitute even get raped?” Not to mention the danger of revealing her identity in a society that stigmatizes sex work. In other words, unless the sex worker is willing to risk a bad review by sticking to her boundaries and saying no, the hobbyist will always have the upper hand in situations of sexual coercion.

But hey, not all hobbyists are bad. In fact, as you’ll read, a good few wrote glowing reviews about this lil’ slut’s performance. However, each one of them either omitted details or flat-out lied about the course of events in our sessions. Their reviews read more like erotic fanfiction than objective criticism, and methinks most hobbyists come for the fucking but stay for the writing. The literary genre produced is a circle jerk of mediocrity, of men yanking their chains to the sexual failures of their sexual providers—a collective battle cry of jizz-streams and acronyms employed to boost the power of the review over the dignity of the whore.


THE ORIGINAL REVIEW BY MrCEO
Type: intellectual slightly bohemian young lady who has travelled in a time machine from the hippy era to the present. You could see this person running an art gallery or playing the flute in a symphony orchestra. And she is quite the flute player.

Attractiveness: 9.0 – Pretty brunette. Reminiscent of Mary Tyler Moore but with bigger top. Perhaps even a hint of Katie Perry. Pictures accurate? I would say she is now a bit more toned and lithe but she has retained the good parts. An intellectual with big perky natural boobs and a nice ass too is a potent combination. Pretty face and silver dollar lightest brown areolas are just like the pictures. Very nice hair and makeup.

Reciprocity Index: 9.0 – We spent a little time chatting first and breaking the ice with a little Skinnygirl Pina Colada mix and an easy does it approach.

Personality: 9.0 – Warm and friendly. Excellent people skills. An easy to talk to but laid back woman, it is important to let each person be who they are.

Skills, moves: 9.0 – Full complete GFE [girlfriend experience]. Made it seem like a third date. Satisfies on both physical and psychological levels. Repeat? Very probable. You have the sense there is a little more behind the curtain and subsequent visits could bring additional dimensions to the encounters and reveal additional depth of this person.

After a nice warmup (without “pouncing” like a bear after a trout) there was sensual DFK [deep French kissing] and nice hugs throughout. Impeccable hygiene and a welcome reception induced prolonged dining. Doggie was nice while squeezing those natural C’s from behind. This is a really hot, thoughtful, subtle, and intelligent young lady. We left the black stockings on throughout the encounter because they looked and felt so good. I will roll them down slowly and pull them off on the next visit.

THE MODERN WHORE REVIEW: MR. EMBELLISHER-IN-CHIEF
Type: Single old Republican with erectile dysfunction and a big imagination. The kind of guy who dates himself by talking about having “always wanted to sleep with Mary Tyler Moore,” and by spelling Katy Perry’s name “Katie.”

Attractiveness: 6.4 – Mr. CEO looked like a bloated old fish stick with warts all over his face and body. His eyes were beady, but exacting, which I liked.

Reciprocity Index: 7.5 – The conversation was engaging and I always love an amiable disagreement with someone I’m about to fuck. The CEO agreed with then-Prime Minister Stephen Harper that the XL Keystone Pipeline was integral to the US and Canadian economies. He disliked my argument that the pipeline was an unsustainable environmental risk, countering that the pipeline would create jobs, which is far more important than polluting fresh water lakes and so forth. I appreciated the CEO’s gumption but wholly rejected his opinion on the subject.

Value: 8.5 – Listen, we never had sex. You heard it here first, folks. Mr. CEO could not physically sustain a boner long enough to have sex, nor could he ejaculate. He attributed this fact to an unfortunate accident with a bicycle before he hit puberty. A bump in the road and The CEO’s prepubescent ball sack slammed the frame, preventing the old man before me from ever ejaculating again. And so, my meeting with Mr. CEO was one of heated political debate, light pussy munching, and a blow job that never came to “completion.” Sounds like a good time to me!

Skills, moves: 4.0 – This guy, besides getting on his knees at the edge of the bed to eat my “impeccably clean” pussy (was he my third or fourth of the night? I can’t recall), was a complete beached whale. I don’t blame him for not having moves. It’s not like he’d used his penis as a vaginal sex tool ever.

Repeat? Sure, why not. Let’s argue about American politics while you eat my pussy. Sounds like a great way to create jobs without making a mess.

The cover of Modern Whore. Photo by Nicole Bazuin

THE ORIGINAL REVIEW BY LOUIE09
First of all, you guys in Ontario should be thankful for what a great country you live in… literally dozens of hot SPs available for every taste in a low-risk and reasonably priced environment… my country can put a man on the moon, but try getting a full hour, MSOG [multiple shots on goal, or hobbyist slang for ejaculating more than once during a session] with a great looking and fun SPs in a safe place for under $300… anyways… I had been eyeing Mary Ann for a while and I was very very pleased with my time with her… she hit all of the buttons that are important in a session…

Looks… great face, the Rachel McAdams thing is true, she has a great smile, dimples, great hair and full lips…I thought she would look more ARTSY for some reason but she looked like the hot girl at the office who catches you looking down her shirt and smiles about it…

She has a great sex body with big full boobs, a C+ if not a D, very soft but firm that makes sense and very responsive… sometimes girls with big tits are bashful about them, not her, she knows they need to be played with… she has a tiny waist and then full hips and bum with kind of a large booty…

Attitude… I have a few specific things that I like to do to start a session and she was totally game for it and made it extra sexy… while we were getting to know each other on the couch LFK [light French kissing] and DKF were available as well as handfuls of those great tits…

No time watching or wasting… when she went to the bathroom to get ready she was out in no time at all, she did not kill time in there like lots of SPs do… we went over our 90 minute session by at least 10 minutes which is really important to me… I hate to feel like I am getting shortchanged with the “40 minute hour.”

The action… she did all of the things that I wanted to do… DATY… DFK… BBBJ [bareback blowjob]…COB [cum on breasts]… MISS [missionary]… CG [cowgirl]… Doggie… digits [penetrating a woman with fingers]… we had a quick first round (see all the previous descriptions for the why)… then a full 2nd SOG [shot on goal] and squeezed out a 3rd… literally in her hand talking dirty about any number of things…

She really seemed like she wanted to be there and she enjoyed herself and made sure that I was totally exhausted and satisfied when she left… The only slight negatives that I would have is that her legs were not memorable as they are fairly short and she did not offer COF, I did not ask but she did not offer it either…

Overall, I would repeat, rinse and repeat again with Mary Ann… she is a sweet girl who loves sex and exploring sexuality in a hot way…

Thanks for all of the post, I would not hobby without the board…

THE MODERN WHORE REVIEW: RINSE AND REPEAT
May I translate? Louie begins by saying he is pleased that there are dozens of hot prostitutes for every taste in this country of Ontario and, unlike in the USA, it’s easy to find an attractive and fun prostitute who allows multiple jizzings during an hour-long appointment, in a safe environment, all for under $300. Talk about bang for your buck!

In addition to Rachel McAdams, I also look like “the hot girl at the office who catches you looking down her shirt and smiles about it.” That is SO me. It’s not sexual harassment if I like it, right? Hehe!

Along with my “great sex body,” my attitude was on point—and what pray tell are the specific things he liked to do at the beginning of a session? Gather round, children. As soon as Lou and I were on the hotel room couch, he let me in on a certain co-worker he’d been fantasizing about. Would I be able to roleplay with him? Heck yeah! I love acting! I was born performing! Not only did Louie give me full background on this young lady, he also provided me with a script he’d scribbled down on cue cards. When he writes, “When she went to the bathroom to get ready she was out in no time at all,” he is referring to the time it took for me to read over the cue cards in the bathroom to prepare for my role as his co-worker. I was in fact taking acting and improv classes at the time, so this shit was my jam. I’m getting paid! I came out and gave the best performance of my life, namely with a bareback blow job, ball licking and sucking, deep throating, his cum on my breasts, doggie, fingering, and all in all, draining lil’ ol’ Louie’s ball sack a hearty three times in an hour. Not bad! Is an Academy Award in my future? You better believe it!

Except, as Louie carefully noted, there are two things holding me back from claiming my rightful throne as Oscar Queen. For one, I have really stubby fucking legs apparently, and I made the grave mistake of not offering to let him cum on my face, even though he never asked. Idiot! How will I ever give the BJ of my life on the casting couch if I can’t read the minds of my clients? It’s the difference between a four-star and a five-star performance, I’ll tell you that much. Sigh, I have so much to learn. At least he would rinse and repeat with me like some sort of sex rag. That’s a compliment, right?