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Holy Bulbous Salutation! Morrissey Wins Bad Sex in Fiction Award for His Debut Novel

Photo courtesy of [Morrissey/Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/Morrissey)

Photo courtesy of Morrissey/Facebook

I must begin by saying that very few songwriters, like maybe five, have been able to capture the agony of the human condition the way Morrissey has. He nails that certain human loneliness of being surrounded by people, not knowing where to go or how to be. “There is a Light That Never Goes Out” is one of those perfect songs. But this transcendent ability has not, it would appear, translated to the man’s literary career: Yesterday, he was named the 23rd recipient of the Literary Review’s Bad Sex in Fiction Award for his work detailing the sexual lives of his protagonists in List of the Lost.

The novel, his first work of fiction, is about a group of marathoners who find themselves “cursed by an old man in the woods.” Full disclosure: I haven’t read it. The Review cited one particular passage as the reason for their decision. It is as follows:

At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.

list of the lost2

Now, this is coming from a man who has previously not-not-denied being asexual, so maybe this “dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil” is simply the result of lack of experience. Personally, I think that if I looked up and saw my gentleman friend with anything resembling a “howling mouth” or the “pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation” I’d get the hell outta there. Reportedly the Moz did not attend the ceremony celebrating his win and declined to comment to the Review. Oh well.

At any rate, congratulations Morrissey. Maybe write some more songs for us all.

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