I don’t know why, but I’m completely addicted to Shark Tank. There’s just something about watching a bunch of ridiculously rich people frothing at the mouth to milk every penny out of a small business that really gets me going. As much as I enjoy it, there are the same, little things that happen in almost every episode that drives me completely insane. Here are the most annoying things that happen on Shark Tank.
1. On the Clock
Someone will make an offer to the entrepreneur before any of the other sharks have had a moment to speak. Then they’ll say, “Hey I made you an offer and you have 4 seconds to make a decision or it’s gone forever.” What they’re basically saying is, “Hey you know this thing you’ve invested your entire life in? If you don’t give me half of it right now you’ll get nothing and you’ll be dead to me. HURRY! MAKE A DECISION! DO IT!” Settle down, pal.
2. I Need a Moment
The most inconsistent part of the show is the ability for the entrepreneur to walk outside or talk to each other. Sometimes they’ll ask for a moment to speak or to go make a phone call and all the sharks are like, “Oh sure! Figure it out. I love you.” Other times they’ll ask to speak to the person next to them for 30 seconds and they’re informed that if they do, the offer is gone. I haven’t seen anything this inconsistent since the Dallas Mavericks’ playoff record. OOOOOH BURN!
3. Any Other Offers?
It’s not just the sharks that get annoying. This happens way too often:
Small business owner: I’m looking for $50,000 for 10% of my company.
Shark: Ok I’ll give you $50,000 for 10%.
Owner: Hmm, well are there any other offers?
Dude, you just got what you asked for so why are you still polling the room? Take your money and go make your pasta lids or whatever. That’s like if you proposed to your girlfriend and she said, “Would anyone else in the room like to propose before I make a decision?”
4. The Royalty
Has anyone ever been dumb enough to take the royalty deal? Basically instead of having a partner come in and own a part of your company, the shark will give you a few thousand dollars and you’ll give them a percentage of every sale you make for the rest of your life. That’s like hiring a contractor to remodel your kitchen, but the only stipulation is that he gets to come in once a week and urinate on your floor.
5. The Obvious Producer Favor
There was an actual episode where a man tried to sell a fly trap that was shaped like a cone for you to put over a pile of dog poop to catch flies. Why would anyone want that? I get that some people are friends with the producers and use that to get on the show, but at least be a little subtler about it. No one is going to believe you chose poop cone because of its value opportunity.
6. The Revalue
If you come in and say your company is worth $500,000, that’s fine. You’re probably not going to sell that many vintage Beanie Babies but who am I to judge? The problem is when someone comes in and asks for $50,000 for 10% but in the middle of negotiations they decide it’s now worth $800 million. Did P. Diddy just invest in your company via text? Did you just find Wonka’s golden ticket?
7. The Melodrama
I understand that it’s a possible lucrative investment, but the emotional reactions from those multi-millionaires are ridiculously hilarious. One time I saw the QVC lady strain so hard a literal egg fell out. It was troubling. Maybe that didn’t happen, but every time someone screams, “GET OUT! YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!” I roll my eyes harder than Lebron’s barber when he asks for anything other than a scalp rejuvenation.
8. The Brags
We all get that the sharks are quite wealthy. The opening credits remind us every single time. We don’t need to be reminded of it every 7-14 seconds on the show. Here’s my impression of their casual conversations:
Mark: I can invest in this because I own several fish tank companies worth $80 million.
Damon: Oh yeah, I designed all the outfits for the fish tank models and made $90 million.
Barbara: I started my first business with only $1,000 and a fish. Now I have so much money I replaced my lawn with 50 dollar bills and still trim them every other week.
Kevin: I take a royalty off all those fish tanks so I will end up making $150 million.
9. Opening Spoilers
Probably the most annoying part of the show is that, instead of showing old moments in the opening credits, they basically show you everything that’s about to happen in this episode. If I see Robert yelling, “I hate vanilla!” I know that, either he’s not going to be investing in the scented candle company or he suddenly became really racist against white people. Either way, I’d like to be surprised with those moments.
10. The Nickname
Ok maybe that was more hilarious than annoying. Mark Cuban nearly lost his mind when someone called him “Cubes” and it was completely amazing.
Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.