At some point you’ve probably found yourself flipping through the pages of Skymall out of desperation for entertainment on a flight. Your only alternatives are chatting with the stranger next to you who keeps coughing and whispering his own name, or reading the airline’s in-flight magazine that should be a punishment at Guantanamo Bay. If there’s anything even remotely interesting in Skymall it usually costs around $60,000, then the rest is just absurd junk that no one would possibly purchase. Here are 20 of the most bizarre Skymall products from the best and worst of Skymall that will truly make you question the ways people spend their money. If you own any of these items, I would like to apologize in advance. Not to you, but to your family for having to keep a straight face when you show it to them.
1. BROBDINGNAGIAN SPORTS CHAIR
Have you ever wanted to feel like an idiot child as an idiot adult? Maybe you’ve always wondered what Rick Moranis’ children felt like on Honey I Shrunk the Kids? Was your favorite level on Super Mario Bros 3 the 4th World where everything was gigantic, except you? Then merry Christmas!
2. CAR LASHES AND EYELINE
You know that co-worker that wears way too much makeup and has fake eye lashes that looks like a spider dry humping her face? Now you can make your car look like that too. When you flash your lights does it look like your car is flirting?
3. HOT DOG LEASH
This is perfect if you love your dog enough to put him on a leash and take him for a walk, but you’re still just enough of a sociopath to psychologically torture him by making him think there are delicious hot dogs just out of his reach that he can never eat.
4. THE UPRIGHT SLEEPER
I would rather never sleep again than to be seen in public wearing this ab cruncher turned into some sort of exoskeleton. If I saw someone wearing this on a flight, I would call security immediately because a person like that has absolutely nothing to lose.
5. CAT-ASTROPHE BIRDHOUSE
What sort of sadistic, Salo-loving monster wants to put out a birdhouse that makes it look like the bird is about to be devoured by a demonic cat? This goes great with the guillotine baby crib and the dog bed that looks like a vet’s table in an overpopulated animal shelter.
6. THE FACE TRAINER BY NO NO
This is supposed to firm the skin on your face and keep it from being saggy and wrinkly. I’m pretty sure I’d rather have a few wrinkles than look like a low-budget version of the gimp from Pulp Fiction.
7. NFL FOOTBALL ARM MAGNETS
If you get a Washington Redskins’ arm holding a football, the arm will fumble it on the highway and you’ll never see it again. Seriously though, putting one of these on your car should show up on a Car Fax report.
8. THE NFL FOREST FACE
Now THAT’S how you support your team! “Hey Aaron Rodgers, I’m your biggest fan. I put a terrifying and borderline racist face of your team on a tree in the middle of the woods. Aaron? Where are you going?”
9. HEAD SPA MASSAGER
I hate it when I have a terrible headache and also look nothing like Professor Xavier when he’s plugged into cerebro. Thankfully, the wonderful people at Skymall have corrected this for us all.
10. THE LARGE SUPER SKATE FAIL
If a 30-year-old man didn’t look ridiculous enough skateboarding, why not bring a Lisa Frank boat sail into the mix and let his ex-wife use it in court to get full custody of the kids.
11. RETRO CELLPHONE HANDSETS
You aren’t truly a hipster until you’ve done away with the modern conveniences of holding a cell phone up to your ear without a cord. Let me know when they add a feature that turns your touchscreen into a rotary phone system.
12. TUGO DRINK HOLDER
If you’re running through the airport with a hot cup of coffee, do you really want to strap it to your suitcase right by your sprinting feet? Maybe just use your other hand? I don’t know, I’m not an inventor, but that seems like a bad idea.
13. MY FAVORITE CHILD T-SHIRTS
There are two people who are going to buy this shirt; parents who want to proudly display how disappointed they are in their actual children or parents who are raising their children to live like wolves.
14. NFL WINE SHOE HOLDER
What better way to express your love and devotion of your favorite NFL team than by chilling a bottle of Chardonnay you got from Walgreens then proudly displaying it in a bedazzled high heel featuring the home team’s logo? Nothing, that’s what.
15. KNUCKLE MEAT POUNDER
I love to tenderize steaks, but I’m also a raging psychopath who just wants to punch everything. What do I do? Also I’m fairly certain this has been used in multiple crimes and probably a murder or two.
16. DARTH VADER TOASTER
Just eat your stupid toast and stop being a dork in every sense of the way. Why would you want your toast completely burned in the middle and virtually uncooked around the edges anyway?
17. GREAT WHITE SHARK LAWN SCULPTURE
For a mere $239 you can show everyone you’re a big dummy that thinks sharks live underground and not in the ocean. Wait, they don’t live underground, right? Should I be worried about this??
18. CHERISH LIFELIKE BABY DOLL
I have a terrifying feeling that this isn’t intended for children. This is the start of every horror movie and almost all of my nightmares. “Honey, are you still sitting in the dark at 4am singing lullabies to that fake baby? Ok just checking…”
19. RETRACTABLE DRIVEWAY NET
With this retractable net that could easily be picked up and moved, my children are impervious to predators, running off, or even being injured. What kind of day drinking curmudgeon puts this out in the driveway and calls it a day?
20. BOX OF APPLAUSE OR LAUGHTER
This is a box that will play the sound of people cheering or laughing when you open it. This is sad. I am sad just looking at it. I bet the number of customers that bought one of these cross referenced with the number of Skymall customers that have killed themselves are eerily similar.