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Oscar Season’s Most Ridiculous Gift Bag Goodies

Oscar Season’s Most Ridiculous Gift Bag Goodies:

Awards season is the time of year when stars borrow fabulous gowns, rock millions of dollars in jewels on crowded red carpets…and flock to gifting suits to snag a bunch of free goodies.

We non-famous types hear about these fabulous gift bags and drool with envy. But this year, I managed to sneak a peek (and a few free goodies) at some of this year’s most talked about gifting suites. And if you thought that all the celebs walk away with are exotic trips and luxurious items, you are wrong. From laser activated vibrators to personal mind control lessons, here are 10 of the most unusual things that I found in 2015’s awards season gift bags:

1. ONE COMPLIMENTARY VAGINA STEAM SESSION
While perusing through booths of bedazzled prom dresses and costume jewelry, I was asked if I had any interest in getting my lady parts steamed. “Gwyneth Paltrow visits our spa and does this all the time,” said the lady from Tikkun Holistic Spa who handed me a coupon for a complimentary session. She then led the way to what looked like a silky toilet seat. “This is the machine,” she explained as she rambled off a sea of reasons why I should get steamy down below. Among them were that the procedure: increases fertility, balances hormones, betters your uterine health, enhances digestion, fights infections, wards off parasites, lessens the symptoms of gout, gets rid of headaches, strengthens the nervous system, releases tension and pent up energy…” Also: cures cancer, helps you win the lottery, and enables you to land the man of your dreams.

And if that wasn’t enticing enough, after noticing the wedding ring on my left hand, she handed me another coupon. “For your husband,” she explained. “To get his anus steamed. Very good for man.” I didn’t stay at the booth long enough to hear the list of benefits that an anal steam would have for a dude, but I’m assuming it’s not enough to convince my husband to heat up his starfish.

2. AN AUDI WHEN YOU WANT IT, FOR ALL OF 2015
Uber is great and all but not when you have to forgo the shiny Uber Black Car and opt for the run down Prius and cologne-doused driver who is ready to divulge his life story during your 40-minute commute to LAX. Oscar winners (and losers) this year will never have to worry about that type of scenario. They can wrangle their very own “Silvercar” at the push of a button. After cashing in a voucher (worth an estimated $20k), gift bag recipients are instructed to download the SIlvercar app and to command their very own pimped out Audi to arrive within minutes. It promises to be the latest model and come fully equipped with a full gas tank, free Wi-Fi, and satellite radio.

3. $12,500 WORTH OF “GLAMPING”
To us, camping means pitching a tent, scavenging for tree branches and cooking oatmeal over an open fire. Nowadays, that just isn’t how it’s done. Included in this year’s 2015 Oscar gift bag was a certificate for a “luxurious camping” experience. The gift, offered through TerraVelo Tours, gives nominees the chance to experience the great outdoors while sleeping in five star 12’ x 14’ lavish canvas tents, fully outfitted with plush memory foam beds, Frette linens (we’re not sure what those are but they sound fancy), and furnished with rugs, a dresser, and ornate lamps. In lieu of chilidogs over the fire, campers are to be served a decadent feast by their own personal chef who will whip up the meal on their command in what promises to be a “scenic location.” Near each tent is a wine and juice bar, lounging tents equipped with couches, board games, and magazines, your own personal astronomer to keep you informed about just what stars you are sleeping under, and an in-camp masseuse. And the biggest bonus? A transportable luxury bathroom complete with not just toilet paper but a hot shower, fancy toiletries, and Turkish towels.

4. A LIGHTSABER-LIKE VIBRATOR
When we think of gifting suits, we imagine A-listers like Drew Barrymore dousing themselves in carats of diamonds or cashing in their coupons to jet off to the Maldives. We don’t, however, think of stars adding to their naughty nightstand drawer collection. But they do! In this year’s official Oscars gift bag, celebs walked away with their own Afterglow Pulsewave Vibrator. This handy little tool uses the company’s trademark PulseWave laser therapy technology to enhance arousal. This is not a vibrator for amateurs. It has 85 different wave combinations, a USB outlet to allow for charging via your laptop or cellular car charger, and even comes stored in a box with its own personal key. It also boasts a pre-programmed feature that “takes your body on an 8-minute journey that works with your sexual response cycle” which is apparently extra handy for when you’re A-list husband is off in Africa filming for several months.

afterglow vibrator

5. YOUR DOG’S OWN SMARTPHONE APP
As if carrying your pup in purses and pushing them through town in strollers wasn’t enough, WonderWoof now gives dog owners the chance to stay connected to their pooches 24/7. The app comes with a device that looks like a tiny bowtie that attaches to your dog’s collar. It then tracks your dog’s daily activities and links up to your smartphone. Essentially, you’ll receive a text message alerting you to what your dog is up to most of the day (i.e. sleeping, walking, and sleeping). It also features a daily diary for your dog where you can keep track of his scheduled events such as walks and veterinary visits. But the best part is that the app allows your dog to leave his mark in the cybersphere. Canines using the app earn “bone bites” and “badges” based on the amount of activity that they engage in. And if that wasn’t enough to blow your mind, the product has received the official endorsement of Andy Dick.

6. MIND CONTROL
Among the pricey and most obscure Oscar gift bag swag at this years show was a gift certificate for Enigma Life. This little gem, which valued at a whopping $20,000 gives its A-list recipients the opportunity to have Olessia Kantor, Enigma Life founder and mind training expert to the stars, fly out to their homes to discuss their 2015 horoscope, analyze their dreams, and teach them mind control techniques. Some of her very out-of-the-box practices include assigning celebs a color mantra and divulging how different colors influence moods in various ways. There is also a “scan and gaze” technique, thought concentration training, and mood-enhancing strategies. As if Scientology wasn’t scary enough!

7. A STAR’S VERY OWN STAR
They already own acres of prime real estate, but this year’s Oscar nominees were given their own piece of the solar system. Each celeb had a star named after them and was given an official International Star Registry certificate in a double matted frame. In addition, they took home a “chart of the heavens” with a map of their actual star circled and a booklet about astronomy. The star names and location coordinates were recorded and copyrighted in the astronomy book Your Place in the Cosmos, Volume 10.

8. THE WORLD’S FIRST 7-BLADE RAZOR
Award season celebs were the very first on the planet to walk away with the first ever 7 blade razor. Dorco, the company who created the innovative shaving tool is known for their previous model, the world’s first 6 blade razor. The 7 blade is said to give the smoothest shave possible. Too bad Vin Diesel and Bruce Willis weren’t nominated this year. We’re also wondering if there were band aids included in the gift bag.

9. THE “O” SHOT
The adult store market is inundated with products designed to improve libido and contribute to female arousal. But the pills and ointments found on the shelves of Hustler and Lover’s Lane don’t cost anywhere near $5,000. That’s how much the “O Shot” package was that Charles Runels M.D. (the inventor of the infamous “Vampire Facelift”) was giving out in this year’s Distinctive Assets Oscars gift bag. As part of the package, female recipients were given the opportunity to visit a certified physician to receive a shot of platelet rich plasma down yonder in the hopes of enhancing their libidos. According to Lisabeth Roy, D.O., patients are first dabbed in numbing cream and then a small needles is injected about an inch into the vaginal canal. Per the team behind the needle, “Some women feel a sexual boost in as little as a week” and “it works for guys too.” Ouch…but curious!

10. GOLD WATER
First there was Mark Wahlberg’s alkaline water, now the stars are drinking liquid gold. Guests that visited this season’s gifting suites earned themselves a supply of Starfire Water. Not only does this filtered water claim to be energy enhancing (manufacturers say that the water gives you “energy for life” and that “when you taste our water, you’ll feel a tingle on the roof of your mouth”) but the water is infused with Etherium, a trace form of liquid gold, which apparently is known to facilitate higher awareness. It’s only fitting that the Hollywood elite drink the elixir of the Gods.


Nicole Pajer is an L.A.-based freelance writer published in The New York Times, Woman’s Day, Rolling Stone, Billboard, Men’s Journal, Hemisphere’s, Emmy Magazine, Us Weekly, and The Hollywood Reporter. She tweets at @nicolepajer.

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