Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

A crippling malady afflicts the denizens of the traveling carnival in Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant, including the bosomy Bearded Lady played by Salma Hayek and the troubled, orange-haired 200-year-old vampire played by John C. Reilly. Call the malady premature sequelitis. The new film, based on 12 neck-biting books by Darren Shan and directed by Paul Weitz from a screenplay by the talented Weitz and Brian Helgeland, is about two high school guys who take a walk on the wild side at the sideshow. One of them (Josh Hutcherson) tries to steal a spider and gets fatally bitten. The other (Chris Massoglia) strikes a bargain to save his friend by becoming Reilly’s neck-biting production assistant, landing in the middle of a rivalry between two vampire tribes.

Adolescent angst, spooks and chills were seldom duller. The movie is really a bald attempt to establish a Harry Potter or Twilight–style franchise, without the benefit of a single mildly interesting character, a sense of connection among them or a tone that meshes the film's horror and comedy elements. Reilly does what he can but the material keeps him earthbound. It's tempting to say that this one needs a transfusion, but what's the use of wasting perfectly good hemoglobin on anything so clearly running on empty?