The dating scene of today is a wild place. People have lost their inhibitions and are more animalistic than in the past. After all, we are animals. So why not adapt your dating techniques to reflect that? I’ve done it and I’m now known as the Steve Irwin of NYC dating. Follow me on this nature walk that is dating.
1) Bright colors attract a mate.
In nature, many species sport bright plumage during mating season in order to attract a mate, which is why one of the best ways to attract that first initial contact is to wear a strobe light around your neck. In a pinch, lighting yourself on fire can also get attention.
2) Bright colors signify poison.
This is the other side of the previous entry, which one must watch out for. However it adds a bit of excitement due to never knowing if the other person is ready to mate or just warning you of a lethal neurotoxin that they excrete from their pores.
3) Play dead.
If you’re ever on a bad date, simply roll over to expose your underbelly, emit a foul smell and remain completely motionless until the danger loses interest and wanders off.
4) Develop a strong mating call.
Mates are attracted to those who demand attention. A loud mating call will help. Examples: when first approaching a potential mate, loudly proclaim “GOT DAMN” or “WHAT DAT MOUF DO?”
5) Dance to seal the deal.
Females dig a good dancer. So once you’ve caught her eye, let your colorful tail feathers out as you bust into an interpretive dance. Kick and peck at the ground with your beak. Dance right into her heart.
6) Chicks dig a nice house.
Chicks enjoy a nice place to relax. It gives them a feeling of security. So go around locally and collect twigs and feathers and hair to create a sturdy nest. Location is key. Be sure to build it in an elevated location to protect from predators like raccoons and coati.
7) Fuck like an animal.
You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.
Kyle is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter: @kyle_lippert.