Most of the classic Christmas songs don’t make much sense anymore but no song has more outdated and bizarre references than The 12 Days of Christmas. I’m sure you know the song, but just as a refresher, here are the current gifts given on each day of Christmas:
1st Day: A Partridge in a Pear Tree
By the end of the 12 days this guy has given her a dozen trees. Does she live in the wilderness? What on earth is she possibly going to do with all of these trees?
2nd Day: Two Turtle Doves
You remember the turtle dove ornaments that Kevin McCallister gave to the homeless lady after she saved his life on Home Alone 2? “Hey thanks for rescuing me. My family is loaded and we have more presents than we could ever use and you’re living on the streets in the middle of winter. I think the perfect gift would be this cheap ornament I got for free. You can hang it on your sadness.
3rd Day: Three French Hens
He gave her a bunch of chickens.
4th Day: Four Calling Birds
Maybe at this point he should’ve moved away from birds? I don’t know, it just seems to me that you’ve already sent a partridge, doves, hens, and now more birds?
5th Day: Five Gold Rings
Now we’re talking. Let’s stick to jewelry and stay away from the fucking birds for a few days.
6th Day: Six Geese a-Laying
Aaaaand we’re back to more birds. Seriously, a gift card to the Salvation Army would be way better than another set of birds. The hens and geese are fighting in the kitchen. Most of the doves are dead. The property value of her home is plummeting.
7th Day: Seven Swans a Swimming
Jesus, dude it’s not even funny anymore. Stop dropping birds off at her doorstep, you sociopath.
8th Day: Eight Maids a-Milking
Hey you know what would’ve been good to send over before the milking maids? Hmm, I don’t know maybe a cow instead of another dozen geese?
9th Day: Nine Ladies Dancing
Pretty sure that’s code for strippers. You’ve turned her home into a poultry-filled champagne room.
10th Day: Ten Lords a-Leaping
Now we’ve added some dudes doing parkour to the mix. And you’re giving them to her? Like she owns them now? Are these people slaves?
11th Day: Eleven Pipers Piping
Well at least now the dancing ladies have someone to play them a beat while grinding on those poles. Unfortunately it’s just a bunch of guys playing pipes so the only song they can play is the weird flute part in Jay-Z’s Big Pimpin.
12th Day: Twelve Drummers Drumming
Great it’s the last day of Christmas and you finally give us a beat. But now there are 12 of them so they can’t keep the beat together to save their lives and it’s so loud with drummers and pipers that all of the birds are freaking the fuck out. Merry Christmas!
Now let’s look at what the 12 Days of Christmas would probably look like if it were written today, when people don’t want geese and leaping lords for a present.
1st Day: A Gluten-Free Brownie with Green Tea
You can’t be too careful with all the health concerns nowadays. Green tea is a natural revitalizer and a gluten-free brownie is a somewhat delicious treat that surely won’t offend anyone.
2nd Day: Two Copies of Beyonce’s ‘Drunk in Love’
You didn’t go crazy on this gift, but sending a two digital downloads of Beyonce’s single is the key to a girl’s heart who gets her news from Facebook trending topics and has a framed Mean Girls poster.
3rd Day: Three Year Lease on a Pre-Owned Lexus
Every car commercial insists you should buy your loved one a car with a giant bow on the top this December to Remember, but what are you, someone with a job or something?
4th Day of Christmas: Four Rotisserie Chickens
We can’t give up on birds completely.
5th Day: Five Gold (plated) Rings
It would be nice if you could still give golden rings for each finger, but since the economy has been really tough and they’ve cut back hours at work, she’ll have to settle for gold plated rings.
6th Day: Six Days of Buffeting
Forget sending her geese; let’s load up in the car and go to Golden Corral! Is there anything more American than that?
7th Day: Seven Vapers Vaping
The old song insisted on sending random men over to her house, so keep that same tradition alive and gather up all the bearded guys vaping in front of the bar and ship them over to your girl. Will she like it? One way to find out, right?
8th Day: Eight Boiling Bloggers
What would Christmas be without a bunch of internet articles enraged about every single little thing that happens in life? Are Santa’s elves a sign of social injustice? Do Christmas lights have a secret offensive meaning? These bloggers will definitely damper the Christmas spirit for everyone.
9th Day: Nine Ladies Dancing
This one stays the same. Give her a stack of singles so she can make it rain while they’re dancing to make this gift really stand out. Be prepared to have “Pour Some Sugar On Me” stuck in your head for the next month, however.
10th Day: Ten Nets-a-Flixing
Now you’re finding a way to her heart. You’ve gotten away from birds and soliciting strangers to entertain her and now you’re giving her the gift that keeps on giving. That’s right, the gift of Netflix. And this isn’t just giving her your password or even your parent’s password that you’re still using. You got her an account of her own. Brush your shoulders off, my friend.
11th Day: Eleven Tacos a-Guac-ing
Oh she is going to love you on this day. Not only are you going to send over nearly a dozen delicious tacos, you’re including guacamole EVEN THOUGH IT COSTS EXTRA. That’s right, you spare no expenses in expressing your love. This should make up for all the weird people you sent over to her house on the earlier days.
12th Day: A Facebook Official Relationship
The last day is the biggest day of all, so you’re going to give her the ultimate sign of love and commitment; you’re going to make it Facebook official. Now everyone on your newsfeed will know that she’s taken. Remember Romeo and Juliet? Remember Titanic? Remember The Notebook? They’re all garbage compared to the love that you just expressed.
Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.