Let’s just admit it, you’re going to buy the new iPhone. It’s not like there’s anything wrong with your phone from a year ago, but as soon as the new one comes out you’d might as well be holding a busted up walkie talkie. There are amazing features, like improved dickpick technology, but what about the stuff we really want? Here are 18 things we would have loved to see in the new iPhones
1) Improved Group Texting
If you’re stuck in a group text message and the conversation has absolutely nothing to do with you, you can slowly fade out of the conversation like one of Marty McFly’s siblings on Back to the Future. It won’t be a harsh, obvious exit, but you won’t have to read 200 texts where Glenn is telling Gary about his back problems.
2) Advanced Phone Call Technology
A feature for when your mom or grandma calls that will occasionally say, “oh wow” and “uh huh” so she can have her one-sided conversation and you can keep working.
3) The Darkscreen
A screen that automatically goes dark when someone is reading your texts over your shoulder. Why do strangers do that? What possible information are they going to discover by reading your texts to your roommate while you’re on the subway? “Oh wow, looks like she asked her friend to defrost a chicken. I definitely needed to know this.”
4) Speakerphone Alerts
When you press the button to turn on speakerphone, an alert should come up asking if you’re at home. If you aren’t at home, it’ll then ask if you’re in public. If you are, it’ll ask if people are around. If you answer yes, it will ask you if you want to look like a giant douche, because no one likes the guy having a dramatic conversation via speakerphone in the middle of the airport.
5) Friend Finder
There are apps to show you the nearest location of just about anything. We’ve covered everything from taxis to bars to cheap gas. But what about an app that let’s you announce what movie you’re getting ready to watch and let’s people with similar interests know so they can come over and watch it too. How great would it be to be driving home from work and seeing someone is making ribs and watching Die Hard? That’s the change I want to see, Obama.
6) Selfie Fan
Let’s take the selfie game to another level and install a tiny fan that dramatically blows your hair back when taking a selfie. You’d look like Beyonce in every shot.
7) I’m Cultured I Swear
When I’m traveling and I want to listen to my garbage music playlist, I’m obviously ashamed. I don’t want the people sitting next to me to know that I’m listening to Careless Whisper on repeat for the next two hours. We need a masking app that will make it look like we’re listening to a philosophical audio book instead of Katy Perry deep cuts.
8) Drunken Notifications
When someone sends you a text, they get a notification when it’s been delivered and also when it’s been read. This can be problematic when you open your messages, but didn’t actually read them. You look rude because they see that you’ve read it, when actually you were busy and didn’t even get to skim it. Let’s expand the delivered and read notifications to also include “drunkenly opened at 3am and mistaken for a Yelp review.” That would solve a lot of problems in all of our lives.
We need a feature that asks us if we’re sure we want to send a text, if that text contains the person’s name we’re sending it to. I know that sounds confusing, but have you ever been talking about someone and accidentally sent a text to the person you were talking about? It’s the worst. There’s no explaining why you sent Melissa a text about how Melissa is acting like a slut and wears too much eyeliner.
A breathalyzer you have to breathe into before you’re allowed to call or text one of your exes. After 2am you’re not allowed to text them at all unless there’s a fire or someone died.
11) Breathalyzers for Everything!
While we’re installing breathalyzers, let’s also add one on that won’t let you open the eBay app if you’ve been drinking. This would prevent you from buying so much unofficial Jake “The Snake” Roberts memorabilia in the middle of the night.
12) Improved Voicemail
From now on standard voicemail message should say, “I’m sorry, the person you’re trying to call isn’t available. You know pretty much everyone else in the world texts, right? How about you don’t be a cretin by leaving a voicemail that won’t get listened to for months.”
13) Battery Technology
I’m no battery expert, but it would be amazing to get a battery that, if fully charged, wouldn’t be completely dead after sending seven texts. Again, I don’t know where we are in the field of battery life development, but it seems like something we should spend a few dollars researching.
14) Vibration Technology
Putting your phone on vibrate is a great way to keep it silent if it’s wrapped in a beach towel and placed in the trunk of your car, but other than that it’s just as loud and abrasive as a ringtone. Maybe we could come up with a vibration system in between complete silence and the T-Rex jeep scene on Jurassic Park.
15) No More Quacks
Get rid of that duck quacking ringtone and make everyone who uses it walk into the ocean.
16) Advanced Face Recognition
A feature like Shazaam where you can scan someone’s face and it will tell you if you know who they are. That way you can avoid all those awkward conversations with guys you went to high school with. AND you can identify if the man walking through the airport wearing basketball shorts and a tanktop is an actual NBA player, or if you’re just a little racist for thinking a black guy in basketball shorts and a tanktop must be an NBA player.
17) Cry No More
This one would revolutionize every parent’s life. There should be a feature that, if it detects a crying child, it automatically pulls up an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. This would eliminate those terrible moments when your kid is flipping out while you desperately try to scroll through YouTube to find clips of his favorite show and shut him up.
18) Dream Big
This one may be difficult, but why not dream big? How about a phone that can make a call and not lose service before you’re done talking? I know that’s crazy talk, but we can dream, can’t we?
Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.