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The NFL’s Guide to Safe Sex is the Most Ridiculous Thing You’ll Read Today

The NFL’s Guide to Safe Sex is the Most Ridiculous Thing You’ll Read Today: Playmate Roxanna June does not play in the NFL

Playmate Roxanna June does not play in the NFL

It’s pretty easy to look at the NFL and think that it’s a heartless organization that doesn’t give a crap about anything other than amassing more money than most third-world countries. After all, this is the league that initially gave Ray Rice a two-game suspension for punching his wife and dragging her out of an elevator. And they also denied that spending ten years getting concussions on a weekly basis would have any long lasting effects on the human brain, that way they wouldn’t have to pay retired players with cognitive problems any money, even though the NFL wouldn’t make a dime without those same men.

But the NFL really does care about their players. How do we know? Because they distributed a guide to safe sex for all their players to enjoy.

The NFL is currently battling Tom Brady in court over whether he should be suspended for impeding their investigation over the whole Deflategate controversy. As part of the proceedings, the NFL Player’s Association submitted the league’s 2014 policies for the players. The great folks over at Deadspin dug through the manual and discovered some absolutely ridiculous passages regarding safe sex. Here are some of the highlights:

01-sac-nfl-guide-to-safe-sex

Wait, you’re supposed to wear the condom THE ENTIRE TIME during intercourse? I thought they were supposed to be used like warmup pants in basketball where you keep them on during foreplay but rip them off right before tip-off.

02-sac-nfl-guide-to-safe-sex

Unfortunately, the NFL doesn’t mention anything about where babies come from in their manual. Otherwise they’d have to explain how women cannot get pregnant in the butt.

They can’t, can they?

03-sac-nfl-guide-to-safe-sex

The NFL neither approves nor condemns blowjobs as a sexual practice.

04-sac-nfl-guide-to-safe-sex

Have none of the NFL players ever seen Philadelphia? Seriously, this has been common knowledge for 20 years.

05-sac-nfl-guide-to-safe-sex

Trust me, NFL players are aware that STD tests exist.

Why does the NFL even send this out? Are they legally required to? Because they should be more focused on the things inside the players helmets and less on the helmets insider the players’ pants.

Luckily, Russell Wilson won’t need to worry about any of these rules, since he just announced to the world he’s waiting until marriage to have sex.


RELATED: Russell Wilson Makes a Major Sex Confession


Joseph Misulonas is an editorial assistant for Playboy.com. He is a fan of the Chicago Bears, which means he’s just counting the days down until hockey season. He can be found on Twitter at @jmisulonas.

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