Remember that feeling as a kid when you’ve fallen into a dirty puddle and then had to spend the day in wet, dirty jeans because you were afraid to confront your parents? Well, Nordstrom decided it was time somebody turned this unfortunate circumstance into a fashion statement with their now-viral item: Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans.
Because I’m sure you aren’t envisioning the sartorial eyesore correctly, let me share a photo of this tragic answer to American culture, which retails for $425.
What. Is. Happening. pic.twitter.com/BLkaVGi8IV— Bobby Box (@bobbyboxington) April 26, 2017
As Nordstrom undoubtedly hoped, social media snark brewed among savvy millennials, all while assuring audiences that no, this is not a joke, and yes, these jeans are very real.
The fashion retailer describes the jeans as: “heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit” that “embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.”
Again, this is not a joke. The fact that one has to buy a pair of $400 jeans to give the impression that they’ve put in a hard day’s work may seem like an expensive wisecrack introduced several weeks after April Fool’s Day, but it is not. Instead, it’s yet another symptom of America’s looming apocalypse.
For starters, the mud on the jeans are obviously manufactured. If not for the poor graphic treatment, than for the mere fact that the jeans are covered in mud. The impression given is that this guy didn’t just work around the farm plowing soil, it instead suggests that he mud-wrestled some pigs and lost. That, or he murdered his girlfriend and tried to bury the evidence.
The denim industry is confused at the moment. And this declaration is only further enforced when a new contender for “worst idea ever” recently entered the jean ring. The challenger is the MOTO Clear Plastic Straight Leg Jean and it is exactly as the name suggests: completely clear jeans made from plastic.
“Think outside the box with these out-of-the-ordinary clear plastic jeans – guaranteed to get people talking,” Topshop’s description reads before adding that, because the garment is made from 100 percent Polyurethane, these babies are “wipe clean only.” Stupid right? Perhaps not. The item is currently sold out.
This completely clear pair of pants actually follows yet another similarly bizarre item offered by–you guessed it!–Nordstrom, that featured plastic knee panels.
Obviously, the fashion industry is either spectacularly bored or has found that brewing outrage online is a more financially feasible way to sell clothes than spending the money to have supermodels like Kendall Jenner stroll down a runway in them. Either way, the world is over, and I won’t be caught dead in a pair of jeans that give people the impression that I leave the house.