Things seem to be going reallllly well in North Korea. Kim Jong-un appears to be a very levelheaded, grounded and not at all insecure leader that makes decisions based on facts and research, and CERTAINLY not the crybaby, kneejerk reactions by what appears to be one of three children that were in a trench coat pretending to be an adult.

I, for one, think it’s a great idea to forbid anyone from making sarcastic comments about Kim Jong-un. He’s done so many wonderful things for his country and no one at all could describe his leadership methods as, “a 12-year-old that’s bored of playing SimCity3000 so he just starts unleashing giant robots and volcanoes on his population.” Plus, it’s not like people were just agreeing with him out of fear while secretly thinking he looks like a sandwich bag full of mayonnaise. Haha not at all! No one ever smiled at him to his face then turned around and mumbled something about Jonah Hill in Superbad with the haircut of a character from LazyTown.

Some felt that the country’s leader was making a mistake by isolating himself from the outside would, but that’s simply absurd! I mean who doesn’t love to be cut off from literally everything else in the world? Have you ever seen a child get rescued from a well or when those Chilean miners were pulled from beneath the earth? They were all crying! Probably because they enjoyed being isolated, dark, cold, and alone. Thankfully Kim Jong-un has created an entire country out of that feeling! What a hero!

Many felt it was a bad sign when Kim refused to go to the celebration of anniversary of World War 2 ending, but those people are just liberal yahoos. Why wouldn’t he want to celebrate a world war coming to an end? It’s not like he spends every conceivable waking moment trying to figure out a way to start another one. It’s not like he’s constantly waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat yelling out “FIRE THE MISSILES!” And it’s CERTAINLY not because he looks like he’s being erased like a sibling on Back to the Future starting from the top of his hair down. That’s not the case at all. He’s a world hero and should be praised by all. He’s not 90% butter or shaped like a human bowling pin or insecure because he probably has a micropenis that looks like a slightly infected ingrown hair. None of those things are even REMOTELY true.

North Korea is better than it’s ever been thanks to the rules and regulations that their all-knowing and brilliant leader has put in place for them. I get why they’d make this law. No one says anything bad about him now, but he’s planning ahead juuuuust in case some smary little blogger or journalist comes to town and starts raising a ruckus. That’s a smart move. You get in front of the problem and you prevent it from ever even becoming a problem. They really wouldn’t have much to mock anyway. Why he certainly doesn’t look like someone was learning a Photoshop tutorial on how to turn a human face into a Mylar balloon and gave up 60% of the way through it. They wouldn’t say anything like that anyway.

I want to thank Kim for being brave enough to put such a plan in place. I think you’re great and I certainly didn’t say that in a slow, drawn out voice while doing air quotes, and thrusting into a couch cushion. No I said it with full sincerity. The same sincerity that everyone around him uses when they remind him that her does, in no way, look like the human version of the last season of Dexter.

So, thanks, and we all hope you rule forever!