When I was in high school, Xavier University wasn’t anywhere on my list of colleges. Actually, Ohio as a whole wasn’t on there. But that’d be totally different these days, now that Xavier’s student population just scored the dream of all college student dreams: a Pizza ATM.
Yes, I too was blown away to learn that the future is, in fact, now. Operational 24 hours a day, seven days a week, the Pizza ATM is exactly what it sounds like and it bestows a 12-inch pizza upon locals for $9.
“Oh, but it’s probably just cheese or pepperoni,” some dismissive fool would likely mumble. But, no way, you choose your toppings via touchscreen to leave with a freshly baked custom pizza and ear-to-ear grin. Given that the only other option in the area is a Domino’s, this Pizza ATM is going to have the staying power of a church in no time.
Yet, while it’s convenient and fun, the most mind-blowing part is that the pizza is actually good, which should prove surprising since, in theory, it’s pretty much a vending machine oven (that was of course stolen from a utopia beyond our star system). XU’s marketing director of auxiliary services, Jennifer Paiotti, put gave it the most shocking of endorsements.
PAIOTTI: “It is the best pizza I’ve ever had, and I hate to admit that as a New Yorker.”
That’s practically a treasonist statement coming from the Big Apple! Stranger still, the invention itself is French, where it’s been blessing Europe for more than a decade. If Xavier ends up offering a degree in Pieology, it’s going to start turning away more applicants than the Ivy Leagues combined. Hell, I’m already thinking about re-enrolling.