The Party Jokes feature has been a staple of Playboy for 60 years. Each month readers submit their funniest lines or stories hoping to land in the pages of the magazine. Here are the Party Jokes from the September 2014 issue of the magazine.
1. Well, that is the job
What’s the fastest way to get fired from a sperm bank?
Every time someone walks in just say, “Get a load of this guy.”
2. Should’ve been more specific
“I think my girlfriend is confused,” a man told his buddy. “When I said I liked it rough I was talking about the sex, not the entire relationship.”
3. Keep your thoughts to yourself
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
4. All depends on where their head’s at
Why will a woman never be the one to propose?
Because as soon as she gets on her knees, he’ll start to unzip his pants.
5. This guy needs to learn homonyms
"I think my wife is selling drugs,” a man confided in his friend. “Yesterday I was running late for work and the phone rang. I answered it, but before I could say anything, a male voice on the line said, ‘Hey, honey, is that dope gone yet?’ ”
6. The Strong, Silent type
"What’s wrong?” a man asked his cubicle mate.
“My girlfriend told me I have an intimacy problem,” the co-worker answered. “I don’t understand how she could say that. She doesn’t really know me.”
7. You can also smell it on their breath
What’s the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?
The drunk driver will blow through a stop sign without even noticing it; the stoned driver will wait for it to turn green.
8. Be aware of your surroundings
"Strip down, facing me,” the woman said.
The man followed her instructions but soon realized they were directions for swiping his credit card. Now he’s no longer allowed in the grocery store.
9. I’m sure she doesn’t mind
Did you see Sofía Vergara’s new shoes?
Neither did she.
10. Yeezy won’t like this
How might a man make Kim Kardashian’s eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
11. Imagine the amount of bruises before the lightbulb
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
12. They look better and they’re probably more qualified
Why do Americans choose from two people for president but 50 for Miss America?
13. Never assume
A man in his 20s and a few of his friends were at a bar when a pretty woman in her mid-50s sent over a drink and introduced herself. Having never been hit on by a cougar before, the guy was happy to let her buy him a few more drinks. Throughout the evening the woman made it clear that she wanted him to go home with her.
At first the man was reluctant, but his friends encouraged him. In a final attempt, the woman offered him some mother-daughter action if he would join her. Excited, he accompanied her home, and they soon began to kiss passionately on the couch. Looking around for the daughter and not seeing anyone, the man asked, “Aren’t you forgetting someone?”
The woman apologized, walked over to the bottom of the stairs and yelled up, “Hey, Mom, I’ve got one!”
14. Always check their astrological sign
A group of women were talking about the metaphysics of love and compatibility. “I should have known it wasn’t going to work out between me and my ex-husband,” one piped up. “After all, I’m an Aries, and he’s an asshole.”
15. They say once a day keeps the doctor away…
"How often do you masturbate?” a doctor asked his patient.
“About four times a day,” the patient said.
“Do you think you can stop?” the doctor asked.
“Why?” the man asked.
The doctor replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
16. He just did what she asked
"Go out and get something that makes me look sexy,” a wife told her husband.
He went out and came back drunk.
17. The Male Trifecta
What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men usually miss all three.