Whether they are late-night partiers (guilty), sink shavers, unclean no-dish doers or your parents yelling at you to get a job every 5 hours, roommates can be an annoyance. For the most part, I have been blessed to only live with good friends and haven’t had to take on a stranger in my living quarters. After reading these stories below, I don’t think I ever will. Here are some roomie nightmares that will make you happy that all Eric does is occasionally steal one of your Kool-Aid Jammers.
1. THIS IS WHY YOU DO A BACKGROUND CHECK
My new roommate had just moved in. One Friday night I get home, walk in the door and there’s 50 people in our tiny apartment. They are punching holes in the walls, my TV is smashed on the ground, there’s a few people shooting up on my couch, the place is wrecked. Not really knowing how to handle the situation, I go into my room to try to think and when I open the door I get hit with a stink that will outlast religion. My new roommate is having some rather messy scat sex with another guy on my bed.
2. THAT SEEMS REASONABLE
Killed my rabbit and used his bones to form some sort of makeshift Satanic summoning ritual thing on her bed.
3. HE SHOULD’VE WAITED “AWHILE” BETWEEN SONGS
He played “Been A While.” by Staind over and over again. He would leave the apartment and leave it on repeat. Then he would come home high as fuck and eat cold pizza dipped in ranch dressing while cheering me on as I played Mario Kart on NES 64. His cheering was disturbingly enthusiastic.
4. DID SHE COME FROM A CULT?
I shared a 12x12 dorm room with her, for reference. She would free bleed and leave trails of her period blood from our room to the bathroom and not clean it up. She would leave crusty underwear on the floor on my side of the room, next to my bed. She was 18 and had a creepy 31-year-old fiancé she had been with for six years (you can do the math) who stayed over every weekend, and watched her sleep over Skype every week night, with me in view of the camera. She smelled so bad that other students in our hall started making complaints about the stench coming from our room.
5. HOW ELSE DO YOU KEEP CONTACTS CLEAN?
He drank my contact lens solution because he thought it was drugs. The whole bottle. A big bottle. Bonus idiocy: Also claimed he invented lettuce wraps.
6. SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT
Several of us were hanging out, he ran into the room, took a picture of my girlfriend, without explanation then ran back into his room and slammed the door and did not emerge the rest of the night. I googled him about a year ago: he is now a registered sex offender.
7. HE’S JUST FRIENDLY!
He added my mom on Facebook before we moved in.
8. BETTER GET MOM’S SPAGHETTI READY
When he showers in the morning he plays “Lose Yourself” on full volume. EVERY. DAMN. DAY. As soon as I hear those opening piano keys in any situation I wanna vomit.
9. DOESN’T SEEM LIKE THE MOST RESPONSIBLE PERSON
This guy had got so high that he crapped himself in our kitchen and smashed a load of glass into it. He’d then half assedly tried cleaning it with toilet paper, which he then left on the floor and in the kitchen bin. Then he didn’t clean it up until like 2 pm the next day so none of us could get into the kitchen to cook or even get food out of the fridge.
10. MR. POPULARITY
Jeff had large speakers. He also liked to use them at 3 in the morning. Every night. Not for music though, for the notification sound Facebook gives you when you get a message. The pop. Over. And over. And over again.
11. WAIT, DID THIS GUY KNOW ABOUT THE KIDNAPPING OR…
Kidnapped two guys and held them for ransom. One hostage was set free weeks later while the other wasn’t so lucky. The body was eventually found in a basement buried in the ground. Cops busted into the apartment and apprehended my roommate while he was sleeping. Tried for kidnapping and manslaughter along with his other few associates. This was in Ontario, Canada in 2011/2012.
12. THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE TOO MUCH WORK
His first step was to close his door and address some imaginary woman who had apparently snuck inside when he wasn’t looking. “Well, what are you doing here?” he’d say, his voice audible through the wall. “Uh huh. Oh, really? Well, I guess I’d better take my pants off, then.” A few seconds would pass, after which he would speak again. “So, how about you get naked, too? I’ll just lay here and wait for you to be ready. Oh, you’re ready now? Well, go ahead and climb on top of me, then.” It would be several minutes. Then the guy’s bedroom door would open and then slam, after which he’d sprint down the hallway to the bathroom and slam that door. He’d be in there for a few minutes, the toilet would flush, and then we’d all be treated to a second performance of him slamming the door, running down the hall, and locking himself in his bedroom.