Telling a joke is a common way to break the ice with acquaintances or co-workers. It can also be a one-way ticket to a grade-A Fuck Up. Have you ever accidentally called your boss’s wife fat? Or told a joke where someone comes in halfway through and accuses you of being racist, even though they don’t know the context? Or pulled a prank so epic that someone called a SWAT Team? No? Then you’re probably doing something right.
However the users of the r/TIFU (short for Today I Fucked Up) cannot say the same. On this subreddit people submit their embarrassing stories for the world to laugh at. Here are some of our favorite posts.
I’m young (mid 20’s), I’m a guy, I’m white, and I’m a huge Philadelphia Eagles fan. For those of you who aren’t familiar, the Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys have a huge rivalry that has existed for years. Here’s where I fuck up. So I’m at work (fast food). This day I decided to wear my favorite Eagles shirt underneath of my uniform because why not. An older black guy walks into the store wearing a Cowboys hat, t-shirt, lanyard, and jacket. Upon seeing him most of my co-workers greeted him with a smile and a hello. I on the other hand, without thinking, greeted this 60-year-old black guy with, “We don’t serve your kind here.” It instantly registered to me what I said when all my co-workers looked at me in disbelief. I also realized that this poor guest couldn’t see my t-shirt under my uniform. So that’s the story of how sports made me look racist.
My cousin and I (both male) were having a sleep over when we were around six-years-old. We started talking about girls and how they could pee. We couldn’t figure it out so we started to come up with ideas. One thing led to another and we started talking about how to have sex with a girl. Since we had never seen a vagina, we thought maybe it was the butt. Curious we proceeded to put our little peckers into each other’s butts and just lay there. One on his stomach and the other on top.
At the time I thought nothing of it, but years down the road when I was a teenager I realized what the hell had happened. I tried my best to ignore this little piece of history and so did my cousin. But every time we would hang out you could tell it was still awkward and only getting worse.
Fast-forward 20 years and we are both married, out at dinner on a double date and we had an obviously gay waiter. My cousin’s wife remarked, "I don’t understand how they can have sex with other men, that is just weird.” I casually said, “It’s pretty easy.” Both wives look at me and I go, "What, like you’ve never had causal gay sex with your cousin when you were 6 before?”
My stupid brain thought this would be a good way to finally break the ice on the situation. I meant it to be so ridiculous that the wives would never think I was serious. Instead it led to a lengthy conversation of “What the hells” and “Oh my fucking gods” as my cousin and I tried to explain to our wives why we had gay sex in a walk in closet at my grandmother’s house at the age of 6.
TIFU by letting my wife and cousin’s wife know that we had gay sex when we were children. In a restaurant, with a gay waiter. I’m sure people overheard.
So I was happily sending away my resume online using various jobseeking websites. Not getting much in the way of response, until I received this one yesterday.