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The Perfect Corporate Sponsor for Every NBA Team

The Perfect Corporate Sponsor for Every NBA Team:

The NBA is allowing teams to add a 2.5 by 2.5 inch patch on their jerseys in order to generate revenue.  Corporations will line up to have their logo seen on the world’s best athletes, but this is about finding the PERFECT corporate sponsor for every NBA team. 


ATLANTA HAWKS
Pepsi: They’re OK, but not what you wanted.  

BOSTON CELTICS
Home Depot: They have a ton of tools, even if they don’t know what they’re building.

BROOKLYN NETS
Waste Management: Just garbage.

CHARLOTTE HORNETS
Ebay: Just a bunch of other people’s crap they didn’t want.

CHICAGO BULLS
State Farm: They’re on TV all the time and the team is always injured.

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
Whole Foods: They’re very good, but it’s overpriced and everyone there is really obnoxious.

DALLAS MAVERICKS
Pfizer: They’re old and they need drugs to help their performance.

DETROIT PISTONS
Fanta: A generic version of the Hawks.

DENVER NUGGETS
Google: You need Google to figure out who anyone on their team is.

GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
Apple: They’re very trendy, everyone loves them and pretends to know why they’re so much better than everything else.

HOUSTON ROCKETS
Beats by Dre: Everyone thought they were going to be awesome a few years ago, but it didn’t really work out now everyone makes fun of how bad they are.

INDIANA PACERS
H&M: Sometimes they look good, but more often than not they don’t.

LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
Huggies: They still cry all the time and they keep shitting themselves.

LOS ANGELES LAKERS
AOL: They used to be this awesome dynasty, but now they’re a joke.

MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
Red Bull: The idea is good, but they’re hard to stomach.

MIAMI HEAT
Ben and Jerry’s: A bunch of weird shit blended together that is somehow pretty good.

MILWAUKEE BUCKS
IKEA: Looks great in pictures, but no one knows how to assemble the parts.

MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
Snapchat: A hot startup with tons of potential, but also could just disappear in 10 seconds.

NEW ORLEANS PELICANS
Office Depot: Only a matter of time before neither exists in this country.

NEW YORK KNICKS
Toblerone: Mostly imported, overpriced and reliant on the triangle.

OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER
Starbucks: There’s only two people working and neither of them knows who is in charge.  Also, the team is only in Oklahoma City because the Starbucks guy sold the team.

ORLANDO MAGIC
Denny’s: Their team is packed with children and not very good.

PHILADELPHIA 76ERS
Domino’s Pizza: They’re only competitive in games for 30 minutes or less.

PHOENIX SUNS
Facebook: They were great in 2004 and now it’s just a place old people go to hang out in retirement.

SACRAMENTO KINGS
Time Warner: They never work, everyone else hates them, and no one can get rid of them.

SAN ANTONIO SPURS
Amazon: They’re great, they have everything, and when they don’t deliver it’s surprising.

SEATTLE SONICS
Blockbuster: Big in the 90’s, but don’t exist anymore except in Oklahoma.

TORONTO RAPTORS
Uber: They’re successful thanks to a bunch of hard-working foreign strangers.

UTAH JAZZ
Porn Hub: Always great attendance and lots of young talent.

WASHINGTON WIZARDS
Girl Scouts: They’re only relevant for about one week a year and never as good as you think they’ll be.


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