The NBA is allowing teams to add a 2.5 by 2.5 inch patch on their jerseys in order to generate revenue. Corporations will line up to have their logo seen on the world’s best athletes, but this is about finding the PERFECT corporate sponsor for every NBA team.
Pepsi: They’re OK, but not what you wanted.
Home Depot: They have a ton of tools, even if they don’t know what they’re building.
Waste Management: Just garbage.
Ebay: Just a bunch of other people’s crap they didn’t want.
State Farm: They’re on TV all the time and the team is always injured.
Whole Foods: They’re very good, but it’s overpriced and everyone there is really obnoxious.
Pfizer: They’re old and they need drugs to help their performance.
Fanta: A generic version of the Hawks.
Google: You need Google to figure out who anyone on their team is.
GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
Apple: They’re very trendy, everyone loves them and pretends to know why they’re so much better than everything else.
Beats by Dre: Everyone thought they were going to be awesome a few years ago, but it didn’t really work out now everyone makes fun of how bad they are.
H&M: Sometimes they look good, but more often than not they don’t.
LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
Huggies: They still cry all the time and they keep shitting themselves.
LOS ANGELES LAKERS
AOL: They used to be this awesome dynasty, but now they’re a joke.
Red Bull: The idea is good, but they’re hard to stomach.
Ben and Jerry’s: A bunch of weird shit blended together that is somehow pretty good.
IKEA: Looks great in pictures, but no one knows how to assemble the parts.
Snapchat: A hot startup with tons of potential, but also could just disappear in 10 seconds.
NEW ORLEANS PELICANS
Office Depot: Only a matter of time before neither exists in this country.
NEW YORK KNICKS
Toblerone: Mostly imported, overpriced and reliant on the triangle.
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER
Starbucks: There’s only two people working and neither of them knows who is in charge. Also, the team is only in Oklahoma City because the Starbucks guy sold the team.
Denny’s: Their team is packed with children and not very good.
Domino’s Pizza: They’re only competitive in games for 30 minutes or less.
Facebook: They were great in 2004 and now it’s just a place old people go to hang out in retirement.
Time Warner: They never work, everyone else hates them, and no one can get rid of them.
SAN ANTONIO SPURS
Amazon: They’re great, they have everything, and when they don’t deliver it’s surprising.
Blockbuster: Big in the 90’s, but don’t exist anymore except in Oklahoma.
Uber: They’re successful thanks to a bunch of hard-working foreign strangers.
Porn Hub: Always great attendance and lots of young talent.
Girl Scouts: They’re only relevant for about one week a year and never as good as you think they’ll be.