There are a lot of bad people out there. The world is full of criminals, swindlers, and YouTube commenters, and while all of those individuals are undeniable monsters, there is one group that sits above the rest. Those people are, of course, the ones that leave their iPhone keyboard sounds on. I apologize for triggering those raw and overwhelming emotions in you if you’ve dealt with one of these people in the past, but it’s important to bring this to light. You can’t fix a problem if you never acknowledge its existence. And of all the problems facing the world today, this is certainly the silent killer that deserves the most attention. Together, maybe we can end this epidemic.

If you’re not familiar with iPhone keyboard sounds because you’ve lived a blessed life surrounded by caring, compassionate individuals, let me explain it to you so you know the hellish nightmare the rest of us have had to endure. The iPhone has a default setting on it to where it makes a “click” sound every time you press a key. So if you’re sending a text it sounds like you’re working on an old timey typewriter. Just as you wouldn’t leave your password as “1111,” most reasonable human beings turns this feature off when setting up their phone. You set your wallpaper, choose a ringtone, and turn off the fucking clicking keyboard. It’s not a law, but it’s certainly an unspoken rule and reason enough to not get your full deposit back on an apartment lease.

So what exactly makes someone evil? An evil person knows what they’re doing and makes a conscious effort to make others miserable. You don’t accidentally become a person who leaves their keyboard sounds on. This is the type of pure evil that festers in someone’s soul and thrives on the sadness of others. Most of us feel rude having our phone’s make vibrating noises when we’re around other people, so imagine what sort of monster wants those around them to be bothered every time they press a single button?

Your phone already makes enough startling sounds as it is. You’ve either got a ringtone that either sounds like everyone else’s and makes a dozen people think they’re getting a call, or you have a custom one and we have to listen to a 10-second loop of Ginuwine’s “Pony” every time a bill collector calls you. Why wouldn’t you just pay a $60 medical bill instead of getting bombarded by collection agencies for the next decade? You’ve also got a text tone that’s a beep or a duck quacking or a line from Family Guy, so you know everyone just loves hearing that one go off every 3-19 seconds. Then there’s your Snapchat alert, Instagram comments, Facebook messages, Twitter tags, new emails, random app push notifications, Kik alerts, GroupMe sounds, Amazon delivery pop ups and Amber Alerts, so what would possibly make you think more sound should be coming from your pocket. Oh and thanks for combining your tones with vibration. If your R2D2 text tone wasn’t startling enough, now we also get the table vibrating like a glass of water in Jurassic Park.

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Universal Pictures 

“So what?” you’re saying to yourself right now. “It’s not like keyboard sounds can actually ruin someone’s life.”


Let’s say you’re at Red Lobster for lunch with your cousin Jorge and he occasionally glances down to look at his phone. It would be a little annoying. But maybe it’s someone from work or he just needs to take a peek and make sure it’s not anything crucially important. That’s understandable. Jorge is just checking, so as far as you know he’s not responding to texts while you’re talking about your relationship problems. But what if the whole time you were telling Jorge about your series of failed Tinder dates, you heard hundreds of tiny little clicks coming from his fingers? You’d feel like he didn’t care at all, right? This is your cousin and you offered to pay for lunch even though he took the last cheddar biscuit when he’d had two and you’d only had one. Is there no limit to his selfishness? So you leave the lunch and the next day your mom calls and asks how the lunch went. You tell her what happened and she says, “That’s the last straw.” You don’t know what that means, but it turns out there’s been tension between your mom and your aunt for years. Your mom claimed that your aunt was self-centered and only cared about herself, but your aunt swore it wasn’t true and that she would change her ways. Well clearly she hasn’t changed her ways because now she’s passed that same “My problems are the only problems that matter” attitude down to Jorge. It turns into this huge fight that splits the family apart and ruins every holiday thereafter. I mean, who can sit around the table at Thanksgiving together after hearing the words that have been spoken in this fight? Your grandma ends up dying sad and alone because her daughters couldn’t both be at the hospital at the same time and now her soul will wander the underworld for the rest of eternity all because Jorge couldn’t be bothered to turn off his god damn text tones.

Or something like that.

Don’t let relationships be ruined because of keyboard sounds. You don’t want to tear families apart and you certainly want your grandma to go to heaven, right? Do the right thing and turn those stupid sounds off. Not just because it’s the right thing to do, but also because you’re a better person than that. Just like Fifth Harmony always says, you’re worth it.