Chelsea Handler: 20Q

E!'s sexy talk-show queen mouths off about her worst guest, tells how tabloids pollute her mind, explains why she says "coslopus" instead of "vagina" and reveals the ugly side of sex with a redhead

Q1

PLAYBOY: Judging by the title of your latest book—Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea—we know your liquor of choice. Why is vodka a superior form of alcohol?
CHELSEA HANDLER: Vodka is great because it doesn’t have an odor. If you drink rum or tequila, your breath will have a very distinct alcohol smell. I was looking for something a little more subtle because I don’t like to smell like a prostitute in the morning. Not that I’m worried about offending anybody. I’m usually alone when I wake up. You can’t fit two people into a bathtub. Yeah, that’s right, I’m a class act all the way. Klassy with a capital k.

Q2

PLAYBOY: You sound like our kind of girl.
HANDLER: I drink often and I drink frequently, but I don’t really get drunk. I’m kind of immune to it. As long as you can handle your alcohol, you should be allowed to drink whatever you want, as often as you want. If you drink a certain amount and automatically turn into a loud, obnoxious loser, maybe you should stop. Because that’s not attractive.

Q3

PLAYBOY: Your talk show, Chelsea Lately, is devoted to making fun of celebrities. Do you really care that much about Hollywood, or is it just an act?
HANDLER: It isn’t natural at all for me. Sometimes it’s fun, and sometimes it’s overkill. But because of Chelsea Lately I have to pollute my mind with that crap. It’s one thing to thumb through Us Weekly while you’re getting a manicure—that’s just a guilty pleasure—but it’s a whole different ball game when you come to your office every morning and all these tabloid magazines are piled on your desk, and it’s your job to read them. I just went on vacation and was reading Salman Rushdie’s Midnight’s Children, and I said to my boyfriend, “I think my mind is completely blown from doing the show. I just had to reread the last paragraph four times. I may be getting stupider.” And he said, “I’m sure you are, because you just used the word stupider.”

Q4

PLAYBOY: If every young Hollywood celebrity sobered up, stopped going to nightclubs and started wearing panties, would you be out of work?
HANDLER: I think I’d be okay. Even if Hollywood disappeared tomorrow, it’s not as if the human race would become better behaved. If anything, we’re devolving as a society and a culture. As long as people keep acting like people and keep doing really, really idiotic things, I’ll always have job security.

Q5

PLAYBOY: You once said all celebrities need to be slapped. Do you include yourself in that lineup?
HANDLER: I didn’t mean all celebrities need to be slapped, just certain celebrities. Many people working in this industry are, for one reason or another, asking for it. But there are also plenty of respectable, hardworking actors who are just doing their job. I’ll never make fun of Amy Adams, for instance, or Gwyneth Paltrow. They just do what they do and aren’t making a spectacle of themselves. It’s not like I’m going to ridicule somebody just because they’re famous and I have a TV show and I need somebody to joke about. Some people deserve it, and others don’t.

Q6

PLAYBOY: As someone who has repeatedly mocked Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, do you have to be extra careful when you’re out in public?
HANDLER: Absolutely. If I don’t want to put on underwear because I’m wearing a dress and don’t want you to see the panty lines, I don’t have a choice. I have to wear underwear. If I get caught not wearing underwear, after I’ve made fun of all these girls who flash their hot pocket for the camera, then I’m the asshole. So at least for the time being I own a lot of panties. If necessary, I’ll wear three or four pairs at once just to be safe.

Q7

PLAYBOY: If you were ever to get caught in a public scandal, what do you predict it would be?
HANDLER: I’d guess a sex tape with somebody controversial, like Verne Troyer or Clay Aiken. I’m not making an announcement or anything; I don’t know either of them yet, so I can’t even hint at when our sex tape will come out. But if I have my druthers, it’ll happen very soon.

Q8

PLAYBOY: You’ve interviewed a lot of C-list celebrities and reality-TV stars. Are you genuinely interested in what they have to say, or is it as grueling to talk with them as it usually appears?
HANDLER: It’s mostly grueling. Tila Tequila was probably our worst. I had to talk with her for only a few minutes, but I must have dozed off at least a couple of times. She’s as vapid as it gets.

Q9

PLAYBOY: When you were interviewing Lindsay Lohan’s dad about camel balls, was there a moment when you thought, I should’ve gone to college?
HANDLER: No, not really. Not because of his camel balls, which are a real problem, but because I definitely shouldn’t have gone to college. That would have been a waste of everybody’s time and money. And by not going to college, I’ve become so paranoid and insecure that I’ve overcompensated for it. Sometimes I’ll be talking with my family and something far more sophisticated and intelligent than they ever expected from me will just come flying out of my mouth. They’ll say, “Wait a minute—how do you know where Ghana is?” I’ll be like, “Because I’m paranoid that somebody would ask me and I wouldn’t have an answer.” That’s how my brain works. I don’t want to look dumb, so I’m ready for anything.

Q10

PLAYBOY: In your books and stand-up, you portray yourself as a goofy screw-up. Are you the most embarrassing one in your family?
HANDLER: Probably. But my parents gave me a run for my money. My father is a used-car dealer who rarely sells the cars he buys. So they would sit in our driveway for years at a time, next to piles of old car batteries and flat tires. He’d say, “Oh, these are great cars.” I’d tell him, “Dad, there are no windshield wipers, and the passenger-side door doesn’t open. I’m not letting you pick me up from Hebrew school when I have to climb over you.” He was the perfect role model of what not to do as a parent.