Playboy Advisor on Restraint: Ruined Orgasms and BDSM

By Playboy Advisor

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I heard the term ruined orgasm and decided to do a web search. To my surprise my wife and I have been doing the most common type, “abandoning” the climax, for years. I’ve asked her to thumb or palm my ejaculation, but she won’t because she thinks there could be health risks associated with this form of denial. Can you settle this?—J.M., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Thumbing or palming your urethral opening to prevent or slow ejaculation won’t cause any harm. The semen will either escape despite her best efforts or it will flow into the bladder and be discharged with your next urination. For the uninitiated, a “ruined” orgasm is typically part of BDSM cock-control play in which a man’s partner takes charge of his pleasure. What better way to demonstrate that control than to sabotage his climax? (On the plus side, many ruined men retain their erections and go for additional rounds.) The term “ruined orgasm,” as you discovered, can refer to bringing a guy to the point of no return and then removing all physical contact as he comes (including preventing him from stroking himself by tying his hands), or stopping or hindering his ejaculation. In either case, the idea is to dilute his pleasure, which for a submissive may enhance it. A climax ruined by abandonment is distinct from a “denied orgasm,” which is when a woman teases you nearly to the point of no return, then withdraws. This is repeated until you have a serious case of blue balls and find yourself pleading for relief. The jewelry industry exists largely because of denied orgasms. If your partner misjudges your arousal and you start to come, she may squeeze your balls or cock to prevent you from ejaculating more than a dribble. It’s delicious suffering. A climax can also be ruined by squeezing the shaft, thumbing or palming the urethral opening during ejaculation or “thwacking,” which is a slap to the frenulum, or sensitive underside, of the erection at the moment of climax. The key to a ruined orgasm—so we’ve heard—is to keep the victim guessing. My wife and I have been in a master-slave relationship for several years, so I take exception to your advice in September to the slave who said a friend of her college-age sister also wanted to serve her master. You wrote, “The best way to learn to be a good bottom is to spend time on top.” But just as a newly hired junior employee must start at the bottom, so should this woman. She needs to learn the ropes before she can be a mistress, and she may be deluding herself about this couple’s lifestyle based on what she has seen in movies. With her limited knowledge, is she willing to go all-in, or will she run screaming into the night when the realities of this particular relationship hit her? Porn such as The Story of O and Behind the Green Door and even Hollywood films offer a convoluted view of M/S relations, with plywood dungeons, abductions, forced sex and whippings. A scene in which the heroine is restrained and made love to by a beefy, handsome master may seem romantic, but some of the far-out BDSM sites provide a better picture of what this might involve. The slave who wrote said she had welts all over her body, suggesting an extreme relationship. She doesn’t mention a safe word; I hope she was given one. My wife enjoys being smacked with a horse crop while gagged and tied to the bed, but I would never cause her serious injury. She made the decision on her own that I should become the lead dog and is satisfied with the decisions I make concerning us. And yes, the slave should have asked for permission before writing you.—M.G., Fort Collins, Colorado You make an excellent point. A skilled master uses not only restraints but also restraint. It might be better for the couple to outsource this young woman’s training to a master and slave who aren’t so deeply into their own scene.


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