Playboy Advisor: Tallying Sex Partners & Secret Affairs

By Playboy Advisor

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Almost every time I try to hook up with a new woman, she’ll ask me how many partners I’ve been with. I consider that personal information. When I refuse to answer it puts a damper on the mood. The women say they want to know because the number could make them change their minds. Would it be better if I didn’t answer or lied about the number? I’ve been with a total of 72 partners. What’s the cutoff point for most women?—K.C., Jonesport, Maine

You are definitely on the high side of the statistical range, with the average American man having seven sexual partners in his lifetime. Clearly, refusing to answer hasn’t worked out for you. And lying is just plain sneaky and could come back to bite you should one of your many hookups turn into a long-term relationship. Can you blame them for asking? You’re using personal information as an excuse for not telling them while expecting them to share their bodies with you in the most personal way possible. You might consider why “almost everyone” asks. Ask yourself what kind of vibe you’re giving off for them to question your track record. Be honest about your sexual accomplishments and maybe it will work in your favor. And if it doesn’t, then at least you’ll know you’re being rejected for who you are, not who you’re pretending to be.

For six months I had an affair with a female co-worker who was everything my current and former wives were not. She was kind, sweet, well-spoken and could talk intelligently on any given subject. When I told her I was thinking of leaving my five-year marriage with my second wife, the woman, who is very much single, made up a story about being secretly married. Now she doesn’t respond to my texts or any of my attempts to talk to her. I’m miserable and am thinking of leaving my job. I can’t bear to see her every day at work and not be able to talk to her. She’s my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. Should I seek counseling?—L.R., Portland, Oregon

You’re not the first person to find himself at the end of an affair with the life you tried to escape still staring you in the face. Nor are you the first to learn the hard way why office affairs are such a bad idea. You enjoyed the fantasy of a parallel relationship, and now it’s over and you’re grieving the loss. Even if your former mistress were capable of being articulate and honest about why she ended the affair, it wouldn’t change the fact that your marriage is where the real problem may lie. There’s no question you should seek counseling. As Freud said, the point of therapy is to help people be successful in both love and work—neither of which is the case for you. A good therapist can help you work through your pain and discover what drove you to stray in the first place. After you’ve taken care of yourself, consider couples counseling to see if you can salvage your marriage.

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For answers to reasonable questions relating to food and drink, fashion and taste, sex and dating, write the Playboy Advisor, 9346 Civic Center Drive, Beverly Hills, California 90210, or e-mail advisor@playboy.com.


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