My wife and I have not had sex in months—no intimacy, no nothing, not even a kiss. We are both unhappy, obviously. I believe she is cheating on me but have no evidence. I want to stay together because of our kids, who have become the highest priority in our lives. We never take time for ourselves. Our relationship started to decline when we had sex while she was pregnant. She said it made her feel fat, and ever since then it’s been downhill. I know when our youngest child reaches 16 or 18 our marriage will be over. Do I stay with her or get it over with? My kids are the most important thing to me and I need to see them every day, but the truth is even they know our relationship is over and use it against us. Should I find someone to have an affair with and tough it out? I know there are quite a few couples stuck in the same position.
—S.A., Ann Arbor, Michigan
You’re right. Many couples with kids find themselves in near-sexless marriages. And many couples get through it—but only with a lot of hard work, honesty and conscious effort to rekindle the sexual part of their relationship. Months without sex is nothing compared with the years couples who are worse off than you have endured and, it bears repeating, have made it through. Even if your wife is having an affair, that’s something you can overcome. Parallel unhappiness alone isn’t reason enough to end a marriage. You’re not describing anything that doesn’t sound fixable. You admit that you never take time for yourselves, and that really is the first step. This is one of those instances when marriage counseling can help. You might also want to consider individual therapy if you can afford it. Having an affair will put off, if not entirely sabotage, the possibility of salvaging your marriage. The fact that you’re both in it for the kids should give you hope. Take that teamwork and extend it to taking care of yourselves.
During an evening at a local swingers club my girlfriend and I met up with a couple we have known for some time. They told us they’d had a threesome with a transvestite. Answering our questions, the man said it was a great experience. His wife said that he’d done “everything” and that we should try it. We did, and indeed we had a great time and have done it many times since. I have not done “everything” with the transvestite—only fondling, kissing and some oral sex. My question is: Am I homosexual? I enjoyed the experiences immensely and want to repeat them. My girlfriend also had a good time and, like me, wants to continue.
—J.G., Bogotá, Colombia
Sexual preference is on a continuum, and while most people identify as straight or gay, there’s a world of gray out there. Maybe you’re bisexual; maybe you have a transvestite fetish but aren’t attracted to men. It sounds as though you and your girlfriend are both having fun and for the moment your relationship is going well. The fact that you’re comfortably exploring alternative lifestyles together means that whatever you end up doing, you’re better prepared than most couples are to handle a definition of sexual preference that isn’t stark black or white.
For answers to reasonable questions relating to food and drink, fashion and taste, and sex and dating, write the Playboy Advisor, 9346 Civic Center Drive, Beverly Hills, California 90210, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. The most interesting and pertinent questions will be presented in these pages each month.