Playboy Advisor: Taboo Sexual Fantasies

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Playboy Advisor: Taboo Sexual Fantasies:

My wife and I have been together for more than 15 years. She has no interest in having sex with me anymore. In the past the sex has been good and we enjoyed playing with various toys and vibrators, but I recently discovered she has been using our favorite vibrator alone. She got really angry when I discovered this and she refused to discuss it. The next day she packed up the vibrator in question and put it away as if it were evil. Why does being discovered upset her? And why is she going it alone? I didn’t disapprove of what she was doing other than the fact that I felt left out. In fact I’m pleased that she wanted any sex at all, even if it was by herself. She gets upset if I ever “go solo,” so I stopped for years. But out of sheer frustration I have started again, this time in secret, which I’m uncomfortable with. What do you say? —N.M., London, Ohio

We suggest telling her everything you just told us. But before you do, ask yourself what the issue is with going at it alone, which is by no means abnormal, particularly in a relationship as long as yours. You sound a lot like the couple in “The Piña Colada Song” (anyone younger than 40 should google the lyrics), who over the years have grown out of touch with each other’s dreams and needs. It sounds as though you and your wife are both adept at self-love. Admit why you’ve drifted apart, commit to remedying the situation and then work on rekindling your desire to be intimate together. Maybe the first step is to join self-loving forces and compare notes.My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been together now for more than a decade. We have always had (and still have) a healthy and satisfying sex life and are both comfortable expressing our fantasies. Although he is the only sexual partner I’ve ever had, he was pretty experienced when we met. Until recently I’d never met anyone else for whom I felt the same sexual attraction I do for my husband. However, a few months ago I started having intense fantasies about one of my husband’s friends. I’m mortified. I can’t bear to say anything to my husband. I love him so much and he never disappoints me sexually, but I just can’t stop thinking about his friend. Is there something wrong with me? How can I get these fantasies to stop? We see this friend often and I’m wondering if I should be avoiding him. —M.M., Muncie, Indiana

There is nothing wrong with you at all. Studies show that anywhere between 60 and 80 percent of women fantasize about men who aren’t their partners. So don’t beat yourself up. However, obsessive fantasies often provide a handy escape from real-life challenges. Do an honest inventory of your feelings: Are your career, family life and social life as satisfying as your sex life with your husband? Is the rest of your marriage what you want it to be? If all that’s in order, we suggest channeling the bonus arousal into your sex life with your husband. The fantasies will most likely diminish with time. You haven’t told us anything about how your husband’s friend is behaving. If he’s flirting with you or has any part in encouraging your attraction, we’d suggest keeping some distance until either he gets the message or your fantasies subside. The last thing you want to do is jeopardize the great thing you and your husband have built.

For answers to reasonable questions relating to food and drink, fashion and taste, and sex and dating, write the Playboy Advisor: advisor@playboy.com. The most interesting and pertinent questions will be presented in these pages each month.


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