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The 31 Movies a Guy Should Give a Sh*t About This Fall

The 31 Movies a Guy Should Give a Sh*t About This Fall:

There are approximately 4,315 movies hitting theaters between now and Thanksgiving and a busy man can’t possibly be expected to see them all. (That figure might be a little…high.) Instead, we’ve done the heavy organizational lifting and spotlighted the 31 films you should give a shit about this Fall.

Some are big, some are small, some will barely get a release at all. Now’s the time to get your row of ducks, ‘cause if you miss ‘em we won’t give a damn.

SEPTEMBER

THE TRANSPORTER REFUELED
See, what we didn’t gather from the three previous Transporter movies was that Jason Statham wasn’t the star — the car was. So it doesn’t matter that Statham was replaced by Ed Skrein…the Audi remains. (9/4)


THE VISIT
Will you give M. Night Shyamalan another chance? Yeah, he has had a lot of chances to make good on that Sixth Sense promise and has, instead, given us films like Lady in the Water, The Happening, and The Last Airbender. Maybe by going back to his scare roots with this film — about a pair of grandparents up to some devilish shit after dark — he’ll deliver. (9/11)


WOLF TOTEM
I’d be lying if I said that I understood precisely what’s happening in this film other than the following: It seems to be about a wolf uprising in China during the 1960s and it’s jaw-droppingly beautiful. (9/11)


BLACK MASS
If you really like Johnny Depp when he wears makeup that renders him unrecognizable, are tired of Captain Jack Sparrow and the Mad Hatter, and wish he would stomp the hell out of people in Boston, then have I got a film for you — Depp’s playing Beantown criminal legend James “Whitey” Bulger, opposite Benedict Cumberbatch, Joel Edgerton and Dakota Johnson. (9/18)


CAPTIVE
I’m now at the point where I’ll watch anything that David Oyelowo (Selma) is in and this hostage drama — about an escaped con (Oyelowo) who takes a single mother (Kate Mara) prisoner in an effort to see his son — is no exception. (9/18)


MAZE RUNNER: THE SCORCH TRIALS
Your appetite for this sequel is probably dependent on where you are regarding adaptations of dystopian young-adult novels. If you’ve had your fill, in the wake of Divergent and The Hunger Games, maybe this one isn’t for you. But if you still wanna see kids Fight the System in a post-apocalyptic milieu, Scorch it up. (9/18)


EVEREST
Jake Gyllenhaal and some other guys vs. a mountain! Who will win? (9/18)


SICARIO Benicio Del Toro and Emily Blunt as morally compromised, gun-toting bad-asses? Hell to the yes. (9/18)


BEFORE I WAKE
Creepy little boy does creepy not-so-little things when he falls asleep. Like a Twilight Zone episode writ large…with, likely, a fraction of the savvy. (9/25)


THE GREEN INFERNO
You know what? Nah. But that’s just because I’m a wuss. If this sorta thing you’re your cork, roll hard. (9/25)

OCTOBER

THE MARTIAN
This is more my speed: A science fiction adventure from one of our greatest living directors (Ridley Scott) about an astronaut (Matt Damon) stranded on Mars and the rescue plan to save him. Yes, please. (10/2)


LEGEND
Tom Hardy plays the legendary — hence the title — Kray twins, who led a two-man crime wave in 1960s London. It’s like Black Mass above, but with better clothes and, apparently, a sense of humor. (10/2)


STEVE JOBS
It is entirely possible that seeing this Michael Fassbender-starring, Danny Boyle-directed, Aaron Sorkin-written biopic of the late Apple messiah will result in an app you didn’t ask for being downloaded onto your phone. (10/9)


BRIDGE OF SPIES
Spielberg. Hanks. Bridges. What more do you want? There are bridges, man! (10/16)


CRIMSON PEAK
An old-fashioned gothic-romance-bodice-ripper from Guillermo del Toro, who knows a little something about ghosts and haunted places. (10/16)


BURNT
The temptation to just write “Ya burnt” over and over again notwithstanding, this is Bradley Cooper second go at playing a temperamental chef (after Fox’s 2005 TV series Kitchen Confidential). This will probably fare better. (10/23)


THE LAST WITCH HUNTER
Finally, the question of whether anyone will go see a Vin Diesel movie if he trades his muscle car for a flaming sword will be answered. (10/23)


PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE GHOST DIMENSION
No, no, no, no. But you go if you want. Tell me how it was. (10/23)


ROCK THE KASBAH
Bill Murray as a seedy rock manager/promoter stranded in Afghanistan, with Bruce Willis, Danny McBride, Kate Hudson and Zooey Deschanel? Take my money. (10/23)


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AUTOBAHN
Not much info out there about this Nicholas Hoult (Mad Max: Fury Road, X-Men: First Class) thriller, but given the title, I’m assuming there is some driving. (10/30)


our brand is crisis

OUR BRAND IS CRISIS
Based on the documentary of the same name, this Sandra Bullock-starring political drama-comedy follows the true story (hence the whole “based on a documentary” thing) of how a Bolivian politician hired James Carville’s consulting firm to help him win the Bolivian presidential election in 2002. (10/30)


SCOUTS GUIDE TO THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
Because who would be better to take on the undead than those knot-tying, fire-lighting, can-do Boy Scouts? No, seriously. Who? (10/30)

NOVEMBER

SPECTRE
Haven’t heard of this one and I can’t find any information online. What’s it about? (11/6)


TRUMBO
Bryan Cranston, you guys. Taking on the Hollywood Blacklist as screenwriter Dalton Trumbo. (11/6)


BY THE SEA
The last time Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made a movie together (Mr. and Mrs. Smith) they fell in love. I wonder what this one — which seems to be about a relationship dissolving, violently — will elicit. (11/13)


THE 33
Remember when those Chilean miners were trapped underground for more than two months? This is that story, but starring Antonio Banderas, Lou Diamond Phillips, Rodrigo Santoro and Gabriel Byrne. Check your claustrophobia at the door. (11/13)


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RINGS
Apparently, that damned videotape is still around and has found someone who still has a VCR connected to her TV. (11/13)


THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY – PART 2
You say you want a revolution? (11/20)


CREED
Just keep making movies that look this good, Michael B. Jordan, and we’ll forgive you for Fantastic Four. (11/25)


THE NIGHT BEFORE
I never thought I wanted a Seth Rogen Holiday movie until I saw this. Now, it’s all I want for Christmas. (Okay, I want the inevitably huge box-office grosses.) (11/25)


VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN
“You guys, it’s like Frankenstein, but young, hot and funny. No, not as funny as Young Frankenstein, but still funny. We’ll get Harry Potter and Professor X.” “SOLD.” (11/25)


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