PLAYBOY: Who is BoJack Horseman? I mean, who really is he? What are his hopes and dreams? Where did it go right? Where did it go wrong? And how does he get it all back?
BOJACK: Wow, that’s a lot of questions. I didn’t realize when I agreed to this in- terview that I would have to answer so many questions, just in the first question. Also, I kind of assumed this interview would have snacks. Can we get like a cheese plate or something? I haven’t eaten all day. Okay, that’s a lie. I had a croissan’wich on the way here. Okay, I had a croissan’wich, and then I was still hungry so I went back and got an- other croissan’wich. Please don’t put in the interview that I had multiple crois- san’wiches. Just say: “BoJack was eating a salad when I interviewed him. And also he wasn’t drunk.”
PLAYBOY: There’s the old Hollywood saying that “one should never work with animals and children.” And here we have an animal working with children. It seems kind of messed up frankly. Take me behind the scenes. What were the kids like?
BOJACK: Loud. Sassy. Oily. Very oily if I recall correctly.
PLAYBOY: You have been out of the lime-light for a while. Why write a memoir? Does anybody really care about a has-been horse who drinks too much?
BOJACK: People are constantly telling me I should write a memoir. Usually it’s when they’re sitting next to me on an airplane and it’s sarcastic way of saying “stop talking to me about your life,” but still I think the demand is there.
PLAYBOY: That said, when you were on top, were you killing it with the ladies? Take us back there.
BOJACK: Ha ha, no comment – he said handsomely. Can you put in that I was handsome when I said that? Do: “No comment, comma, he said handsomely.” I don’t want to write your article for you, but I feel like it’s important that the read- er knows I was saying it as a handsome guy, otherwise it won’t make sense. Like, the joke is that I’m being demure, but you can tell just by looking at me that I obviously got mad trim. Do people still say “trim”? It felt weird when I said it just now. Maybe don’t include the part where I said “trim.” Just say: “BoJack smiled, a glint in his eye, and I could tell that he was a cool handsome guy that ladies enjoy having sex with.” And then maybe put like a winky smiley face. You know, for the young people. Hashtag: I am handsome.
PLAYBOY: What makes BoJack happy now?
BOJACK: This is going to sound corny and sentimental, but I actually love watching old episodes of “Horsin’ Around” while coked out of my skull.
PLAYBOY: Have you had to downsize your life? Tell me about the money and where it all went.
BOJACK: Actually, in that last answer, can you change “while coked out of my skull” to “with friends”? Make sure you put “friends,” plural, so people know I have multiple friends.
PLAYBOY: What was the theme song from “Horsin’ Around?” Sing it to me.
BOJACK: No, I’m not your monkey. I am a horse. If you want to hear the theme song, you can buy the DVDs like everybody else. I need those residual checks to pay for my ‘ludes. Uh, actually don’t print that I said the thing about the ‘ludes. Instead of the ‘ludes thing, just say: “BoJack smiled that hundred thousand dollar smile of his” – no, “million dollar smile” – no “two million dollar smile.”
PLAYBOY: Was there ever a point where you thought, “what’s the point?” Did you get help?
BOJACK: Jesus, how many questions you got there? Can I at least get some more ice for this gin? And more gin? Actually, hold the ice. Hello? Garçon? Anybody? I gotta say, the Four Seasons has really let itself go. More like the Three Seasons… he said hilariously. Put down that I said it hilariously, so the reader knows my joke was hilarious.
PLAYBOY: What has the historic treatment been of horses in the film industry? Can you give me a brief history of the ups and downs?
BOJACK: Well, things haven’t always been great. Mr. Ed’s career never really re- covered after he killed that hooker, but actually now that I’m saying it out loud that might not have been because he was a horse.
PLAYBOY: What is your way back? Are you waiting for a big-shot director to call and rescue your career?
BOJACK: There are a lot of great directors I’d love to work with. I’d love to do something with Ang Lee, but he’s had it out for me ever since I threw up on his kid in a bouncy castle. Now that I’m thinking about it, why was I even in that bouncy castle? To be honest, that whole year is a blur to me. It was 2011.
PLAYBOY: Can you make a comeback?
BOJACK: Comeback? In the words of LL Cool J, “I’m going back to Cali.”
PLAYBOY: Do you feel you have a good reputation in the industry? What would your costars say about you?
BOJACK: How should I know? Those guys are all dicks anyway. Actually, please don’t print that I said all my costars are dicks. Actually, maybe don’t print this whole interview.