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The 35 Movies You Should Give a Sh*t About This Summer

The 35 Movies You Should Give a Sh*t About This Summer:

There are, at last count, 58,324 movies coming out between May 1 and August 31, the traditional summer movie season. (That figure might be a little…soft.) Here are the 35 you will want to see — or should consent to be dragged to.

(All dates are subject to change because Hollywood doesn’t care about what you wanted to do on any given weekend.)

May

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON
Release Date: May 1
I mean, duh.

HOT PURSUIT
Release Date: May 8
Sofia Vergara should be enough to motivate you to see this ladies-on-the-lam comedy.

MAGGIE
Release Date: May 8
Arnold Schwarzenegger as a father caring for his daughter, who’s been bitten by a zombie. You’ll get your Terminator fix in a coupla months, but to watch him settle into his advanced years as an actual actor…interesting.

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD
Release Date: May 15
Holy shit. YASSSSSS, bitch.

PITCH PERFECT 2
Release Date: May 15
Here’s what I realized when I saw the first, rather enjoyable Pitch Perfect: It’s a sports movie in which the teams sing instead of throw-and-run and the players are attractive women in tight clothes.

POLTERGEIST
Release Date: May 22
If you’re the kind of bloke who relishes getting scared, I reckon this is right up your alley. I’m a pussy, so I’ll pass.

TOMORROWLAND
Release Date: May 22
The director of Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol and the co-creator of Lost team up to put George Clooney in the middle of an imagined mystery world based on a Disneyland attraction? Yeah, sure.

SAN ANDREAS
Release Date: May 29
The Rock. Los Angeles. Earthquakes.

ALOHA
Release Date: May 29
One of these days, Cameron Crowe will make another movie as wonderful as Almost Famous. Let’s hope that this is that day.

June

ENTOURAGE
Release Date: June 5
They say you can’t go home again. Nobody told the cast of HBO’s bro-iest show ever, who are coming to a screen near you.

INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 3
Release Date: June 5
Remember that bit about me being a pussy when it comes to horror? Still applies. Proceed at your own discretion. I’ll be over here.

SPY
Release Date: June 5
Is Melissa McCarthy the greatest bad spy in the world? Do you like watching her fall down? If so, pony up.

JURASSIC WORLD
Release Date: June 12
In which Chris Pratt continues his bid for global domination.

INSIDE OUT
Release Date: June 19
You should see every Pixar movie that comes out. Really, that’s just a law. Offer to babysit someone’s kid if it’ll make you feel better. But even middling Pixar is better than most.

DOPE
Release Date: June 19
A coming-of-age high school movie about a brilliant, ‘90s-obsessed kid from the Hood who finds himself stuck with a backpack full of drugs, a hot girl on his mind and thugs on his tail.

TED 2
Release Date: June 26
Talking teddy bear gets married and wants to be a father. Thanks, Obama!

BATKID BEGINS
Release Date: June 26
You remember when all of San Francisco shut down for a day and transformed itself into Gotham City because a sweet little boy with cancer wanted to be Batman? This is a documentary about that day. And manly tears will be shed.

BIG GAME
Release Date: June 26
About damned time Samuel L. Jackson got to play the President of the United States.

JULY

MAGIC MIKE XXL
Release Date: July 1
Your significant other will want to see this. Suck it up and go. It is literally the least you can do.

TERMINATOR: GENISYS
Release Date: July 1
Proof-positive that Arnold Schwarzenegger will never be too old to play the Terminator.

ANT-MAN
Release Date: July 17
When will Marvel’s luck run out? If I were a betting man, I’d say no time soon. Plus, everyone loves Paul Rudd. That will never change.

TRAINWRECK
Release Date: July 17
Ladies and gentlemen: Meet Amy Schumer, presumptive queen of the summer.

MR. HOLMES
Release Date: July 17
He’s played Magneto and Gandalf — it was only a matter of time before Ian McKellen added Sherlock Holmes to his repertoire.

PIXELS
Release Date: July 24
I will endure the Adam Sandler and Kevin James of it all if I get to see Peter Dinklage with feathered hair firing a laser bazooka at space invaders.

SOUTHPAW
Release Date: July 24
According to my research, there have been films about boxers before. Now it’s Jake Gyllenhaal’s turn to play one.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE — ROGUE NATION
Release Date: July 31
At some point, someone will tell Tom Cruise that he’s a little too old to be taking his shirt off in service of playing secret agent Ethan Hunt. I mean, it’s not gonna be me.

VACATION
Release Date: July 31
Ed Helms plays a grown-up Rusty Griswold who, no doubt, runs into family-getaway issues.

vacation-ed-helms-christina-applegate-chevy-chase-600x450

THE GIFT
Release Date: July 31
Jason Bateman gets serious in this stalkery thriller.

August

FANTASTIC FOUR
Release Date: August 7
Fox tries one more time to give us the Fantastic Four movie we deserve. And, you know what? Looks like they might’ve succeeded.

MASTERMINDS
Release Date: August 7
Zach Galifanakis, Kristen Wiig and Owen Wilson play bank-robbing buffoons. No part of that sounds bad.

THE MAN FROM UNCLE
Release Date: August 14
Period spy-picture shenanigans with pretty actors and a sense of humor. Sold.

STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON
Release Date: August 14
If you can believe that Dr. Dre, Easy-E and Ice Cube changed the world, then this here movie will be a revelation.

CRIMINAL
Release Date: August 21
Ryan Reynolds, Kevin Costner and Gal Gadot star in this thriller about, according to the briefest of IMDB synopses, what happens when “the memories and skills of a deceased CIA agent are implanted into an unpredictable and dangerous convict.” There’s no art or trailer yet, so here’s a shot of Gal Gadot smoldering at you.

gal gadot fast five

SINISTER 2
Release Date: August 21
See above, regarding me and horror.

HITMAN: AGENT 47
Release Date: August 28
“We wanted to do the Hitman video games and the Agent 47 character justice but at the same time make a movie that is accessible to the general audience,” says producer Adrian Askarieh. “I think that’s what Marvel Studios does so well; they stay true to the core DNA of their characters but make movies that expand them beyond the core fans.”


Marc Bernardin is the Deputy Editor of Playboy.com. He has never once cut a hole in the bottom of his popcorn for any reason. Because who the hell is that guy?

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