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Polish Archaeologists Found a 250-Year-Old Sex Toy, and We’ve Got Pictures

Photo courtesy of The Regional Office for the Protection of Monuments: Dildo Division

Photo courtesy of The Regional Office for the Protection of Monuments: Dildo Division

Did you hear the one about the Polish archaeologist who found a 250-year old dildo? Seriously. Did you hear about it? There is no punchline (although if there was, it might have something to do with Mike Krzyzewski).

The antique sex toy was discovered by researchers excavating a fencing school in Gdansk. I assume the team was searching for the city’s fabled “lost vowel.”

“It is quite thick and rather large, made of leather and filled with bristles,” a spokesman for the country’s Regional Office for the Protection of Monuments said. “[The dildo] has a wooden tip that has preserved in excellent condition.”

Bristles? Wood? Your mom is lucky she wasn’t born in the 18th century.

“It was certainly expensive,” a second spokesman said in a radio interview. “Cleaning revealed it was made of high quality leather.” (Aaaaand someone in Williamsburg just read that quote and started an artisanal dildo business.)

polish dildo 2

What makes the discovery even more bizarre is the fact that the sex toy was found in what is believed to be the school’s latrine.

“It was probably dropped by someone in the toilet,” the spokesman said. “Whether that was by accident or on purpose is anyone’s guess, though.”

As if we needed yet another reason to build a time machine.

In case you’re wondering what’s going to happen to the dildo, the Regional Office for the Protection of Monuments has taken it away for “maintenance.” They have top men working on it right now. Top men.

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