Unlike most foods, candy isn’t very subjective. It’s either good or tastes like something out of the bottom of a dumpster. There are some candies that have been around for years despite the fact that no one in their right mind enjoys them. Here are the candies that, for some reason, you refuse to admit that they’re just awful and completely disgusting.
No one’s favorite candy is Bit-O-Honey. If detectives wanted a foolproof and simple way to find serial killers, all they’d have to do is ask them if they love Bit-O-Honey. If they say yes, they’ve committed a murder. Plus it looks like a load-bearing wall of a hastily constructed mud adobe.
17. CIRCUS PEANUTS When you see them it’s easy to write them off as a disgusting piece of candy that looks like wall insulation. But then you taste it and write it off as a disgusting piece of candy because it also tastes like wall insulation. If this is what they feed circus animals, no wonder people protest and demand an end to their abuse.
16. SALTWATER TAFFY You know why your friends always bring saltwater taffy back to you when they go on vacation at Myrtle Beach? Because if it were anything good they would’ve eaten it themselves, but they can toss a bag of that tooth filling-annihilating rubber cement into the bottom of their suitcase and not think another thing about it.
15. LEMON HEADS I’ll agree with you in saying that one Lemon Head isn’t that bad. However, after the first one they start eating away at the roof of your mouth like some sort of pubescent-marketed hydrofluoric acid. It’s basically a tasteless marble with an outer shell made of lemon scented Pledge.
If I wanted to eat a handful of peanuts I’d buy a stupid jar of peanuts. I don’t want a tube of nuts held together by tree sap. I didn’t think you could legally call yourself a candy bar without some sort of chocolate in it. The proper authorities should look into this immediately.
13. REESE’S FAST BREAK How is it possible to take the same ingredients from a Reese Cup and somehow make it taste like a railroad spike? The reason they called it Fast Break is as soon as you try one you run as fast as you can to throw it in the trash. Also I’ll bet you $50 Fast Break bars are on clearance at the Walgreen’s counter right now. Don’t fall for it. Just get a Reese’s Cup and live your life to the fullest.
12. CANDY CORN Candy corn is a lot like cheap beer; you hate it and it tastes terrible, but because of some unfortunate life choices you’re sitting alone on a futon trying to figure out where it all went wrong and just hoping that the pain will go away. Was that too real? Change your ways and stop eating candy that looks like one of Gollum’s teeth.
11. ZERO BAR Do you know anyone that’s actually eaten a Zero Bar? The only reason you’d have one in your house is because you bought one of those big variety packs and the monsters in charge of packaging who said “48 Delicious Candy Bars” decided to screw you over and put ten Zero Bars in the back. It’s impossible to see one without thinking of the scene on Step Brothers where Will Ferrell has to lick the white dog turd.
Please stop lying and saying your favorite thing about Easter is Peeps. It’s like a box of Floam that the FDA let slip through the cracks. Have you ever left them sitting in a slightly warm room for more than an hour? You know how normal candies melt? Peeps start mutating into the creatures from Tremors. They’re basically the Hoobastank of Easter treats.
9. BOTTLE CAPS Let’s think about the target demographic for Bottle Caps. Most candies are named after something fun or given a whimsical name. Skittles! Hot Tamales! Starburst! This one targeted at children who want to eat the top of soda bottles, but have destroyed their teeth, so their parents had to give them pretend bottle caps to chew on. You’re the worst, Bottle Caps.
8. JUNIOR MINTS Why wait until after you eat all your candy to brush your teeth, when you could just chomp down on these garbage nuggets that are basically filled with Crest toothpaste. If I want a mint, I’ll eat a mint. You might as well just start gluing Certs onto the back of M&Ms and serving them to your friends and children.
7. POP ROCKS
We all thought it was so cool to toss a bunch of Pop Rocks in your mouth and watch them fire off our tongues. The problem is that they taste terrible, so instead of improving the taste, the candy company was just like screw it, let’s just leave it with a terrible taste, but make it jump out of their mouths. Think about it, is there any other candy you’re excited about flying out of your mouth?
6. DOTS Dots is the Halloween candy you pray doesn’t end up in your bag. They’re the official candy of funeral home candy dishes and grandparents that are disappointed in your career choices. If you were married to someone that preferred Dots to any other candy, you can get a divorce and the judge will give you everything you want because clearly you were married to an unstable monster.
5. SWEDISH FISH Swedish Fish are like the corpses of Starbursts. They’re the rotted, decomposed, repulsive corpses of what used to be a delicious candy. The only way they could be any worse is if they actually tasted like fish. You could probably stick a real fish in there and not be able to tell the difference.
4. 100 GRAND 100 Grand should definitely be in quotation marks. As in, “Oh yeah I would DEFINITELY pay 100 Grand for that DELICIOUS candy bar that CERTAINLY doesn’t taste like the sole of a shoe toss in the sewer by a street urchin.” It’s like when Chinese restaurants say they have “krab” instead of actual crab.
Smarties solve the classic problem of wanting to eat chalk but not wanting to get sick or die. What’s your favorite flavor of the Smarties? Is it bland? Banal? Sorrow? Dust? The worst part is that after you eat them you feel like a junior high school janitor dumped a bunch of Comet in your mouth, but forgot to mop it up.
2. RED VINES Twizzlers barely missed the list, but only because Red Vines are like if Twizzlers were boiled then soaked in a pot of water with a bunch of eggs. You know that awful feeling when you’re congested and can’t taste any flavor in your food? Red Vines took that experience and combined it with the joy of chewing on rope.
1. BUTTERFINGER The only offensive thing The Simpsons has ever done was endorsing Butterfingers. Even if you get the freshest one, it feels like leaves, tree bark, and other foliage crumbling apart in your mouth. If you told me one of the main active ingredients was “dirt from an abandoned cemetery” I’d be like, yeah that makes sense and sounds about right. Don’t worry Bart, the last thing anyone want to do is lay a finger on your peat moss-filled abomination.