The 2014 NFL Preseason is upon us! How exciting is that? No, wait. How is that exciting? That’s how that sentence should have been worded. The answer, of course, is that it’s not. Nevertheless, it is a thing that’s happening right now and we’re somewhat duty-bound to talk about it, no matter how little we care.

So, with that in mind, let’s try to answer a question that has baffled society for ages. When is the best time to start watching preseason football?

The Hall of Fame Game

This is always the first “game” of the season, and under no circumstances should you watch it. See, it’s a matter of ethics. Teams that “play” in this sham of a competition have to do it as an extra preseason game. So, all other teams play four games no one wants to watch, but these teams will ultimately have to play five. That’s harsh. It’s fine, though, because neither team will keep any quality players on the field for more than a drive or two. That makes not watching it an excellent value!

Verdict: Way Too Soon

Week One

Okay, now this is when the real action starts!

Just joking! Anyone with even a scant chance of not finding themselves bagging groceries again in a month will mostly watch this from the sidelines, most likely not even in uniform. It’s basically a commercial for NFL team apparel. Skip it.

Verdict: Also Way Too Soon

Week Two

So now, then? Is week two good? No, it definitely is not. Same problems as week one, just a different date on the calendar. Somewhere, a rerun of Forensic Files is on. Watch that. It will be far less sad than watching this.

Verdict: Nope

Week Three

Confession alert! Everything on the list up to this point has already happened. Did you know that? If so, we sincerely apologize for the lack of entertainment options that led to you acquiring that knowledge.

As for everyone else, if not running this article until now strikes you as a misstep of some sort, please understand it is not. You shouldn’t even think about preseason football until week three, and even then, just barely. Still, if anything fun is going to happen, it will happen here. The starters generally play into the third quarter or so, making the action a bit more indicative of what you’ll see during the season. Depending on the match-up, there’s even a moderate chance it will be a legitimately entertaining game.

Case in point, Jay Cutler’s first game in Denver as a Chicago Bear was a week three preseason game and it was fucking amazing.

It’s probably also the only enjoyable preseason game in NFL history. Still, you never know!

Verdict: Sure, why not?

Week Four

Televised job interviews. That’s what this game amounts to. Teams are just solidifying their practice squads at this point. If there’s nothing else to watch, turn your television off.

Verdict: No. This barely even counts as sports.