As the New York Times tells us, everything is wrestling. Never in American history has that seemed truer than now, as sexual assault enthusiast and occasional wrestler Donald Trump occupies our nation’s highest office. There’s nobody to stop him. He’s defeated all comers, tossing even FBI director James Comey out of the squared circle.

But wait. By God–is that the Rock’s music?


We learn of the Rock’s legitimate presidential ambitions from this profile in GQ.

“A year ago,” he says, “it started coming up more and more. There was a real sense of earnestness, which made me go home and think, ‘Let me really rethink my answer and make sure I am giving an answer that is truthful and also respectful.’ I didn’t want to be flippant—‘We’ll have three days off for a weekend! No taxes!’”

The Rock has made several references to running for president on Instagram, doing little to quell speculation.

“I care DEEPLY about our county…” he wrote last June, “and the idea of one day becoming President to create real positive impact and global change is very alluring.”

Looks like he’s already secured one vote.

But seriously, is this such a terrible idea? Let’s break it down.

Luxury Accomodations
Donald Trump famously loves spending time at Mar-A-Lago, a private club in which you can offer policy advice or watch a top-secret negotiation take place for just $200,000 per year. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson favors out-of-the way gyms in secluded neighborhoods so he can get his daily pump on and remain the large human that he’s always been. Donald Trump spent $20 million on travel in just 80 days. We could probably take care of the Rock’s travel expenses with a $20 membership to Crunch Gym. Also, he could be his own bodyguard.

Advantage: The Rock

Commitment to Bipartisan Cooperation
Donald Trump loves to blame Democrats for everything. He tried to blame Barack Obama for his hiring of Michael Flynn as national security advisor. He blamed Democrats for failing to pass the first iteration of TrumpCare before the law was made crueler and rammed through the House. The Rock, by contrast, has already thanked Elizabeth Warren for watching Ballers. That’s literally more than Donald Trump has done while in or running for office.

Advantage: The Rock

Love for the Troops
Nobody loves the troops more than the Rock. If you cut the Rock open (congratulations, by the way, for wounding God), blood doesn’t come out. The troops come out and mess you up because they love him right back. He’s even woke about Vietnam. Donald Trump doesn’t know where his “armada” is heading from time to time.

Advantage: The Rock

Posting Ability
Donald Trump is our most post-happy president. He’s gotten off some legitimately fire tweets in his day, such as this missive about haters and losers and some good Diet Coke takes. The Rock is less likely to start a nuclear war but has had only one fire tweet in his whole life.

Still, pretty good.

Advantage: Trump

Wrestling Prowess

Advantage: The Rock

Relationship With the Intelligence Community
Donald Trump just fired FBI Director James Comey and has insulted the intelligence community basically as often as he draws breath. The Rock starred in Central Intelligence opposite Kevin Hart.

Advantage: The Rock

Ability to Actually Win Votes Necessary to Become President
Donald Trump staged an improbable victory over Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election after being written off by most pundits, including his own staff, and rode a wave of “economic anxiety” into the White House. The Rock, despite being the darling of a cadre of Never Trump Republicans, has never run for office. Still, did you see the numbers Fate of the Furious did? The man is box office gold!

Advantage: Trump. Narrowly.

Well, if we tally up the various objective categories that determine the presidency, it’s pretty clear that the Rock would make a much better Commander-in-Chief. He’s got the look, he’s got the ability and, most importantly, he’s got the fanny pack.

Winner: The Rock

Now everyone take a bow, because we’ve just one step closer to President Camacho and Idiocracy becoming real.