“A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest."—Paul Simon, The Boxer

As we gather with family and friends this wonderful Thanksgiving season, we should remember the things which bring us together are far more important and worthy of recognition than those which divide us. For family members who’ve left us, let us smile and remember them fondly. And for those who break bread with us on Thanksgiving, let us give them our unconditional love and thanks.

After all, we’re certain that’s what will take place at Thanksgiving dinner in the White House. President Donald Trump’s actions this past year speak volumes to the electorate about the need to teach our children the good virtues engrained in the American spirit. We know he’s especially thankful this Thanksgiving for a variety of reasons.

He’s very thankful for the stock market he inherited from former President “Whose name cannot be spoken.” He’s thankful for deregulating industries so the robber barons can come out and play for the next few years until water and air are so polluted, re-regulation will be required and he can thankfully blame the Democrats for any downturn in the stock market and the economy.

He’s thankful for CNN because he gets to argue against a $85 million merger between Time Warner and AT&T while promoting a $3.9 billion takeover of Tribune Media by Sinclair Broadcast Group. That latter proposal coincides with a recent Republican-led Federal Communications Commission ruling that deregulates ownership of media outlets in individual markets; in other words, Trump is thankful that he soon may be able to facilitate a state-run media monopoly with the sympathetic local stations.

As he sits down to his roast beast and razzleberry dressing this Thanksgiving, he will also share a Grinch-like thankfulness for leading the world by being the only country in the world not in the Paris Agreement. The United States is just too cool for school, daddy.

When the president said he could walk out onto Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and his base still wouldn’t abandon him, he wasn’t kidding.

Trump is also thankful for his recent judicial nominee, Brett Talley, who has more experience ghost hunting than he does in the field of law. And while those closest to our president know he isn’t a humble man, they also know the president is justified in celebrating his judicial appointments and nominees. After all, they are the gifts that keep on giving year after year and long after he leaves office.

The president is thankful for his First Amendment right to fight the left for its ad hominem attacks, especially on those members of the white supremacist movement who marched in Charlottesville. After all, some of them are fine people. It also goes without saying our president is thankful he’s able to, in righteous anger, go after the “SOBs” who express their First Amendment rights by taking a knee during football games.

The president is thankful this season for Senator Al Franken, who is a very bad man and admitted such. It helps underscore the point the president often makes: You don’t have to apologize or retract as long as you deny the allegations of more than a dozen women. So what if there’s a recording of you saying, “I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything… Grab ‘em by the pussy. You can do anything.” The president is very thankful for his freedom to engage in locker room talk.

The president is also thankful for the mainstream media and Hillary Clinton. He knows how important it is to go back and forth slapping around a woman and a democratic institution so people don’t pay attention to the class warfare he’s waging or the influence of foreign nations in our electoral process.

The president is extremely thankful for his loyal voters. When the president said he could walk out onto Fifth Avenue and shoot someone in cold blood and his base still wouldn’t abandon him, he wasn’t kidding. He loves every one of those who continue to support him without care for facts, logic or Christian thinking. But he’s also thankful for the far left, which actually spoke out after he agreed to reconsider the ban on African big game, proving he has a viable whipping boy on the left for the foreseeable future.

But nothing beats “Trump Love” for his base. He reportedly told himself while alone recently, “They have seen me make fun of the handicapped, talk about women in a totally degrading way, make fun of Gold Star families, my fellow Republicans and anyone I want and they don’t care. Somewhere in my misspent youth, I must have done something good. I can’t think of what it was, but I must’ve done it!”

During his Thanksgiving prayer, Trump will mention he is thankful, in no particular order, for dismantling science programs at NASA, ripping apart the EPA, gutting the Department of Education and letting big oil and coal out of their pens to play. He’s especially thankful for the foreign leaders in the Far East who met him with open arms and wonderful parades. “You really, really love me!” Trump said while staring at himself in a mirror recently.

Trump is also thankful for Vladimir Putin, especially after candidate Trump encouraged the Russians to hack into Hillary’s emails. Did we mention Trump is very thankful for Clinton—and that she is actually the object of an unrequited crush?

According to Secret Service guards who don’t exist, Trump was found smiling and saying “Crooked Hillary” as he knotted up his necktie on 30 separate occasions in the White House during the last month. (He spent the other day perfecting his Rodney Dangerfield impression.) Trump said he was upset with “Crooked Hillary” taking away from his "me time,” but is very thankful for her because she gives him the best imaginary adversary.

During his traditional Thanksgiving Big Mac, the president will express thanks for The Wall. It is a giant, warm and fuzzy security blanket that won’t ever work or be built, but it makes Trump’s base feel safe, and our president is always thankful for that.

The president is exceedingly thankful Twitter expanded to 280 characters so he can appear to be even more communicative with his base.

The president planned to invite Senator Mitch McConnell and Attorney General Jeff Sessions to Thanksgiving dinner this year; after all, Trump remains thankful his two favorite hound dogs remain faithful. McConnell may strain at the leash, but he’s still the president’s best friend. And Sessions, another southern hound dog like McConnell, may be crying all the time but Trump is thankful and just can’t quit him.

The president is also thankful for his daughter, whom he’d probably date if he weren’t her father. He’s thankful for Generals Mattis, McMaster and Kelly, who are running the executive branch as our president focuses on keeping his Twitter fingers at the ready.

Speaking of which, the president is exceedingly thankful Twitter expanded to 280 characters so he can appear to be even more communicative with his base while actually only holding two news conferences during his first year in office and avoiding any member of the media who doesn’t love him.

Finally, President Donald Trump is thankful for the wonderful United States of America. He grew up hearing anyone in this country can become president, and he is thankful to be the living embodiment of the American Dream, even if he’s cast as Freddy Krueger in the dream. Amen.

And the Mueller investigation continues.