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From 2014: Don’t Kid Yourselves, Everyone Would Have Sex With Prince

From 2014: Don’t Kid Yourselves, Everyone Would Have Sex With Prince:

If you say you wouldn’t have sex with Prince, you’re probably lying. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman or someone currently questioning the gender binary system. I don’t care if you’re homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, pansexual, or unicorn-sexual. I don’t care if you hate his music, love his music, or don’t give a flying purple cape about his music.

You’d probably have sex with Prince.

Just look at him. Just look at that tiny, beautiful creature, hewn of flesh and stardust and porcelain, probably.

Tell me he’s not absolutely stunning. Tell me he’s not absolutely alluring. Tell me he’s not absolutely, positively the sexiest creature on this plane of existence.

You can’t. You can’t tell me he isn’t any of those things. He is all of those things. He is everything.

Prince is transcendent.

It isn’t just evident in his appearance, or even in his music. Prince is an aura that emanates throughout the multiverse, and those caught in its glow are elevated to a higher plane of existence.

Witness, if you will, Sheena Easton. This fabulous Scotswoman has had a long and varied career marked by some mighty impressive achievements (five U.S. Gold albums and one U.S. Platinum album among them), but it is universally agreed that the sexiest thing she ever did was record “U Got The Look” with Prince. The press said they were fucking; Sheena said they weren’t, which raises the philosophical question: if you create music with Prince, have you not in fact essentially had sex with Prince, who only makes fuck music? In fact, co-mingling one’s artistic soul with Prince is perhaps even sexier than actually playing with his royal wang. I mean, I’m imagining, anyway.

Now let’s talk about Sheila E., a lifelong musician from a family of notable musicians. When Prince met her, he allegedly told her he wanted to be her husband. I don’t know why that information didn’t make Sheila E. instantly magically pregnant, but somehow her body withstood the force of his proclamation. With the assistance of the Purple One, she became a star in her own right. Eventually they “briefly” became romantically involved, apparently while Prince was still fucking another chick in his band, because why would a workplace love triangle stop you from getting on that Purple Stuff? Anyway, she was a writer and musician on many of his records, appeared in a few films, and made plenty of fun dance music on her own, garnering Grammy nominations and various other accolades.

Now, I’m not trying to say that Prince “made” Sheila E., although he was undoubtedly a huge catalyst for her later success. She was already a gifted artist and a stunningly beautiful woman. What I am trying to say is that Prince greatly enhanced Sheila E.’s career potential through his benevolence, his correct recognition of her enormous young talent, and probably through his dong, which undoubtedly carries magical properties of its own. Her sexiness was so great that when it encountered his sexiness, a kind of glowing sex cloud was formed that hovered over the pop culture landscape of the ‘80s. Also, Sheila E. looks about 25 years old today and is as gorgeous as ever, which we can attribute to excellent genes, good self-care, and the fact that she spent a lot of time breathing the same air as the ageless Prince.

Some might argue that the guitar is the sexiest instrument, but it is in fact the bass. (It’s all about the bottom.) This does not matter to Prince, who made an entire song — “When Doves Cry” — without it. Why? Because Prince himself is all musical instruments and all vibrational frequencies wrapped into one being. He has no need for our trivial dependence on time-honored musical conventions.

Plus, every single Prince song is about fucking. Every single one. Even “Betcha By Golly Wow,” for which he hired then-teenage gymnast Dominique Dawes to perform in the video. That song is a really sweet cover about true love. It has nothing to do with fucking until Prince sings it, at which point it is entirely about fucking.

Now witness the various responses to this tweet o’ mine:

And this, ultimately, is my point (thank you, @bluffcityjk, for being so succinct). Prince transcends our antiquated earthy notions of man and woman, boy and girl. IF I use the masculine pronoun “he,” it is only because my tiny mortal brain is too small to fully comprehend the enormity of what Prince represents to genitals in ours and other universes. Prince is neither dude nor lady, sir nor ma’am, mister nor miss. Prince is probably not even human. Prince is a creature. Prince is an experience. Or, as one Twitter follower put it:

Yes, @wolfrum. Yes, Prince is.

I know Prince has said some homophobic shit in his day. He’s against same-sex marriage. So you, (possibly) a heterosexual cisgender male, may think to yourself, “Prince would never have me. The very thought would gross him out.” But here’s what I think: Prince is against same-sex marriage because Prince is (probably) against all marriage, because Prince believes we should all be free to freak nasty without the strictures of societal judgment! Right? Right? No?

Alright, you have your Prince-related beliefs and I’ll have mine. In my mind, the Purple One is a deity of pure love and grace, from whom all good things emanate. Not God, exactly, but certainly a demigod. He’s at least one of the pantheon of Sex Angels, along with Barry White (may he rest) and Mick Jagger (may he never leave us).

Now I’m going to listen to the Purple Rain soundtrack in its entirety and have some special alone time. Some “me” time. Some “Sara on her own” time.

I AM TALKING ABOUT MASTURBATING, FYI.

Rock on, nasty children.


Sara Benincasa is a comedian and the author of Great and Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom. She tweets @sarajbenincasa and is currently on tour: dates are at SaraBenincasa.com/shows.

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