After decades of being known as “that thing your cousin who works at PetSmart and lives in your aunt’s basement does,” marijuana has finally become legal for recreational use in several US states, including California. The topic, if not the substance itself, is inevitably going to come up during Thanksgiving, so why shy away from it? Why not hit it head on and just flat out get high with your whole family before dinner?
It might take a little convincing, and that’s why we put together this handy guide to getting each member of your family to smoke with you for the holidays.
This is going to be your toughest sell, but once you can get her on board, she’s going to have the greatest day of her life. Think about it: Thanksgiving is fun for you because you get to eat like a goblin and lie around all day, but for moms, this is D-Day. They’re the ones with the gravy reputation to uphold. Pitch it to your mom as a post-meal stress reliever and watch her begin to laugh and smile in a way that hasn’t happened since before you were born. Also, I don’t know, maybe help your mom with the dishes? For once?
Your dad might be a little hesitant, but only because he’s afraid your mom is going to get mad at him. Once he smokes a little bit, your relationship is going to get so much more relaxed. Instead of yelling at your for not keeping up with the oil changes on your car, he’s going to tell you the story about the first time he saw Tom Petty in concert. Enjoy the story and take in this special time with your father, but also swing by a Jiffy Lube tomorrow and get that oil changed.
Depending on the age difference, they’re going to either think you’re really cool for attempting to bring everyone together with weed or that you’re having a complete mental breakdown. The truth is, you’re constantly somewhere in between, so harm done there. It’s really not going to make much of a difference if they’re high or not, because they’re going to spend the entire time staring at their phone, texting their best friend Trystan or some other ridiculous name that completely ignores phonics.
Your older sibling is going to enjoy this a lot, but, in the back of their mind, there’s going to be some serious low-key resentment. You see, this is just one more example of you getting away with all the things that they constantly got in trouble for when they were your age. Your parents wouldn’t let them watch PG-13 movies until they were 15, but you and dad are over there laughing it up to Sausage Party.
This really depends on the type of grandparents you have. Some grandparents get to that YOLO age where they just stop caring about anything and would probably try MDMA if you offered it to them. (Don’t offer your grandparents MDMA, though, OK?) These grandparents are going to have a great time and they’ll even find a way to pull in your phone-addicted little brother by asking him to show them all his favorite “YouTubes.” Be careful, though: You might have the other grandparents who forward emails about Obama using spawning salmon to spread a radio signal that makes us think gay marriage is OK. Proceed with extreme caution there. Or don’t.
Your cousin has been high for everything Thanksgiving dinner since 1997, so no big changes here.
I’m going to assume we’re talking about that one cool aunt we all have that isn’t really cool, but she knows the name of most of the songs on the radio and asked what “on fleek” meant, so at least she’s been on BuzzFeed a couple of times. She’s going to ask if it’s an indica or sativa right off the bat. Not because she knows what they are or what either of them does; she just wants you guys to treat her like she’s still in her 20s and maybe like a few of her Instagram posts every once in a while? Is that too much to ask???
Your uncle isn’t going to smoke weed, because he thinks it’s bad for you. Instead he’s going to drink 63 Coors Lights, yell at the Lions game for three hours, then insist he’s perfectly fine to drive home. He might even throw up in your dad’s koi pond. That’s the much healthier decision. No wonder he’s so fit and definitely isn’t shaped like the number 6 with legs.
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