Did Mountain Dew buy a team? Is the XFL back? Honestly, what the hell’s happening with the Washington Redskins new stadium proposal? By the way, that’s what you’re looking at above. I know, it looks like a ‘90s artist rendition of the moon’s first gym, but this may be a football stadium someday, according to 60 Minutes.
Nobody is totally surprised by this, given that Redskins owner Dan Snyder is sometimes pretty unlikeable. I say sometimes because it can’t be always if USA Today clarifies that “for the first time in 6,006 days, Dan Snyder isn’t the worst owner in D.C. sports.” Really though, check out the over-the-top features of this teen water park and playground that just happens to be connected to a NFL franchise in the video below.
Astounding, right? I mean, how ludicrous it is to build a fan beach for a sport that doesn’t start until after Labor Day and wrap before Valentine’s Day? Tailgating is cool because it’s easy. I’m not going to lug tailgating and beach gear so I can pre-party and avoid spending an entire paycheck on double-digit-priced Bud Lights. Does management really think people want to lay out and tan in the gentle serenity that rests idle between a busy parking lot and an industrial sports complex? And you can surf too! Why go all the way to the Macaronis in gorgeous Indonesia when you can surf our nation’s capital next to drunks arguing bunk player trades?
And then there’s the cherry on top that is the rollerbladers, who were likely the suggestion of someone who remembers their kids writing “Bladerz 4 Lyfe” on their backpack 25 years ago in white out and somehow forgot time isn’t cyclical.
The only way this stadium with a freakin’ moat is justifiably cool is if you traveled back in time and showed the proposal to a 19th Century king—and even he still might ask when the Rich Kids of Instagram became architects.