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11 ‘R’-Rated Facts From History

11 ‘R’-Rated Facts From History: Photo credit: Dolly's House Museum

Photo credit: Dolly's House Museum

It is a well-known expression that those who don’t study the past are doomed to repeat it, but most of us begin our studies of history in elementary school where many facts are left out because they are unsuitable for such developing young minds. Below is a list of NSFW historical facts, compiled by Redditors, that your teachers may have left out of their lectures:

1. His nickname was LBJ

Lyndon Johnson was a sexual maniac. He swore to have sex with more women as president than his predecessor (JFK who still makes ladies swoon today) and would regularly flash his dick at other Senators (whilst he was still in the Senate) saying things like, “You don’t have the balls to get that bill passed” and, to the lady-folk, “have you ever seen a dick this big?”

2. Killing one of the most notorious assassins of all-time is just a footnote in this guy’s life

Boston Corbett, the guy who killed John Wilkes Booth castrated himself with a pair of scissors to avoid the temptation of prostitutes. Then he ate dinner and went to church before seeing a doctor. He was a hatter and they think the mercury involved caused his mental issues.

3. But he also accidentally discovered America

Christopher Columbus aided in the raping of the natives, not to mention the imprisoning and killing.

4. More like Catherine the Great Lay

Catherine the Great of Russia hired a servant who would pick out the good looking guys at parties, test them out on sexual ‘performance’ to see if they were fit for the queen, and also check for STD, because Catherine was a dirty whore, but still great.

5. That’s one way to declare your independence

Thomas Jefferson’s relationship with his teen slave mistress and their six children.

6. Isn’t that basically yoga?

Ben Franklin used to like to take wind-baths. As in getting naked, climbing up on a hill somewhere and just standing there naked.

7. At least that’s what they told their wives

Vibrators were invented from doctors masturbating their patients in order to cure “female hysteria.”

8. Talk about Penis Envy

Ancient Rome was literally covered in dicks. They sculpted them everywhere. Dicks lining the roads, dicks on the side of the house, dicks on the ceiling. Literally everywhere.

9. Crazy like a STD-laden fox

Capone was such a good mob boss because his brain was being eaten away by syphilis. He caught it when he was 18/19 from a prostitute and never got treatment. They discovered this when he was jailed and they did a psych evaluation. He died bat-shit crazy.

10. Looks like the Nazis weren’t the only dicks in WWII

“During the Second World War soldiers used condoms to keep water out of the muzzles of their rifles. This occurred in Norway and was so successful they decided make condoms for 18-inch naval guns and Durex made special condoms for this purpose. Churchill ordered that these were sent with the message: "For British service personnel use only. Size small.” So if the Germans captured a box they would think the British soldiers would have huge penises with Churchill saying, “That will show them who’s the master race.”

11. This is supposed to be a love letter?

James Joyce, a famous English literary figure and author of Ulysses, wrote a series of dirty letters to his lover, and they were eventually found and published: “…fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.“

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