It’s a well-documented fact that the worst decisions you’ll make in life take place after you’ve had a few too many drinks. While it’s definitely not the worst mistake you make, the most common misstep is eating something from a fast food restaurant that you’d probably never eat on a regular day that wasn’t soaked in alcohol. It’s not that these foods are completely terrible; it’s just that you’d never consider them anywhere near as delicious as you do when you’re drunk. Plus, some of them really are just terrible.
18. Long John Silver’s Tacos
I’ll be honest and say I’ve never had the tacos at Long John Silver’s, but in my defense, no one probably remembers getting the tacos at Long John Silver’s. What sort of drunken mess do you have to be to stumble into a place that’s only known for fish planks and chicken that somehow looks and tastes exactly like fish, then mumbles, “CAN I GET THEM TACOS?”
17. Burger King’s Rodeo Burger
I’ve always thought Burger King had decent tasting sandwiches, but the saddest item on their menu by a mile is the Rodeo Burger. It costs $1, which means drunk people who want a burger and onion rings, but can’t commit to eating more than two onion rings can add a few of them onto their terrible order. There’s not even cheese on it. Instead, there’s some BBQ sauce, because that makes sense. You will never eat a Rodeo Burger sober and think, “Yeah, that was a really good decision and I’m glad I got to experience it.”
16. Sonic’s Chili Cheese Tots
I feel bad for late night Sonic employees because they have to listen to a car full of drunks yell out menu items over the sober driver’s desperate attempt to place an order, then they have to bring it all out on roller skates. What sadist decided to combine carrying large quantities of food and attaching wheels to the bottom of their feet? Sonic gives you the thrill of living like a homeless family and eating in your parked car, so only a drunk buffoon would order something that will inevitably destroy the interior of a vehicle. The order usually goes like this: “I want some tater tots. Oh, and add cheese. You know what? Why don’t you just dump some chili on there too? Maybe toss a whole lasagna on it? Do you have Fruit Roll-Ups?”
15. Wendy’s Vanilla Frosty
Wendy’s Chocolate Frosty is delicious. I’ll even excuse those disgusting cretins that dip their French fries into them. What I refuse to look past is anyone that has ever ordered a vanilla frosty that wasn’t so drunk they somehow developed a fear of chocolate. Even Ned Flanders would judge you for such a bland and tasteless decision.
14. Steak ‘n Shake’s Steakburger Slinger Skillet
This is the skillet equivalent of the everything bagel. Steak ‘n Shake apparently got tired of drunks ordering a dozen different menu items, so they figured they’d just dump them all in a bowl and let you dig through it like the garbage-eating raccoon you are. This thing is filled with hash browns, chili, two burgers, cheese, two eggs, and sausage patties. If you aren’t drunk when you order that monstrosity, it should come with a free suicide note.
13. Arby’s Mozzarella Sticks
If you’re over the age of 7, you probably don’t order a lot of cheese sticks. It’s usually some sort of worst-case scenario where you haven’t eaten in days and the only warm option at the gas station is fried sticks of what appears to be cheese. The only way you’d make the conscious decision to add cheese sticks to your roast beef and curly fries order is if you were completely plastered. Then you’d love it.
12. Five Guys Bacon Cheeseburger (with more than 5 toppings)
Drunks are attracted to Five Guys like moths to the elderly. Anyone might enjoy a burger from there, but the quickest way to tell if the guy ordering is drunk is by counting the number of free toppings he adds to his slop patty. It’s an instant drunk-only scenario if A1, BBQ, and hot sauce are combined. That’s a mixture only tipsy guys and 3-year-olds enjoy.
11. Panda Express Cream Cheese Rangoon
If someone walks into Panda Express and they get really passionate about the free samples, they’re either drunk, really high, or insanely cheap. If they’re excited about the Cream Cheese Rangoon, you’d better believe they’re drunk. They taste like dried out, hardened leaves with bird droppings in the middle. You either get a bite of what seems like flavorless, stale Doritos or an explosion of cream cheese. It’s not a flavor explosion of cream cheese, but rather a seeping, slimy feeling like how you’d imagine a gas leak would feel if it were tangible.
10. Del Taco’s French Fries
You could argue that only drunk people enjoy Del Taco, but as a lover and Del Taco patriot I will strongly and adamantly disagree. However, there is no way you can enjoy their damp, depressing French fries unless you are heavily intoxicated. What secret Mexican recipe did they discover that suggested the best side item with a traditional Mexican dish is French fries? The more fries you eat during a Del Taco meal, the drunker you are.
9. Sbarro’s Pizza (by the pie)
If you happen to be at a mall where every other restaurant in the food court is closed or on fire, it makes sense that you’d choose to go to Sbarro. Most people have grabbed a slice when they’re in a pinch. However, only the drunkest human being would see a Sbarro and think, “I really want that. As a matter of fact, I want to spend a ridiculous amount to buy the entire pie so I can enjoy unlimited sad pizza!” I have never seen anyone order an entire pie and I pray that I never do.
8. In-N-Out’s 4x4 Burger
Unless you’re a tourist or you don’t have an Umami Burger around, you probably won’t feel like dealing with In-N-Out’s insanely long lines. That is, unless you’re drunk and figure the wait will give you enough time to sober up and not vomit in your Uber. Just ordering a regular burger would make sense, but leave it to that drunk friend who thinks he’s cool because he knows the “secret menu” aka he has access to Google. He’s going to get really stupid and order the 4x4 Burger. That’s four patties and four pieces of cheese. I know it may have been hard to guess that from the mysterious name, but don’t worry, your drunk friend will be thrilled to explain it to you for the next hour.
7. McDonald’s Apple Pie
There’s a reason McDonalds sells one pie for .99 and two for a dollar. Once the McFlurry and all the other delicious treats came along, nobody wanted their stupid apple pie. However, your drunk friend will order his ungodly secret sauce covered feast, then he’ll realize he wants a little something sweet to go with it. Ice cream is too cold and his eyes aren’t working well enough to read the newer menu items, but he always remembers they have pies. He’ll toss two of those bad boys onto the order then throw it all up in a few hours. Just like the lord intended.
6. KFC Mashed Potato Bowl
KFC took all of their ingredients and dumped them into a big bowl so drunk people wouldn’t have to worry about balancing a plate on their lap or eating chicken bones. It’s full of mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, chicken, probably a shoe, I think once I heard there’s a bottle of lotion in there, and at the very bottom you’ll see your own liquor-soaked reflection and be reminded of every bad choice you’ve made in life.
5. Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s Bacon Velveeta Patty Meltdown
Carl’s Jr. decided to stop pretending fast food cheese is natural and healthy and just came out and told us that it’s yellow goo created in a lab. The burger is loaded with bacon, grilled onions, mayo, beef, and of course sweet, sweet Velveeta. When you’re drunk, it’s perfect. When you’re not, it sounds like taking a year off your life.
4. Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready Cheese Pizza
The only reason you eat a Little Caesars Pizza is because you don’t want to spend more than $5. The only reason you eat a plain cheese Little Caesars Pizza is because your designated driver agreed to stop by and the only thing that was immediately available was the plain cheese.
3. Jack in the Box’s Loaded Nuggets Munchie Meal
Jack in the Box straight up called it their Munchie Meal. It might as well be named the Cannabis Combo or the Drunk Deal. The most notable one is the loaded nugget meal, which includes two tacos, curly fries, a drink, and chicken nuggets covered in two kinds of cheese, ranch, and bacon. Best of all, it’s only available after 9pm because they know no sober person would order that at 3pm. Thanks for not even pretending to be subtle, Jack. I respect that.
2. White Castle’s Jalapeno Cheese Slider
The main reason you go to White Castle is if you want to do a cleanse, but you need it done in the next three hours. The only time you’d justify bringing spicy jalapenos from a 39 cents hamburger establishment into the mix is if Jack Daniels was now making your life decisions. Anyone else in their right mind would steer very clear of such a devastating combination.
1. The Entire Taco Bell Menu
I will be the first to say that I proudly love Taco Bell. It’s Mexican food the same way pro wrestling is a sport. When you need to find something quick to eat with nothing but the change in your console, it’s ideal. However, when you’re drunk, Taco Bell draws you in like on old cartoons when the aroma of an apple pie would cause an animated cat to float through the air as his nose followed the glorious smell. That’s why Taco Bell started their late night push. Most people make drunk, terrible decisions at night so they knew that was their moment to capitalize. Where else are you going to get a chalupa at 3:30am?
Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.