While Butterball’s annual Turkey Talk-Line seems like a jokey “hotline” gimmick every year—it’s been a thing for more than 30 years—their 50+ experts are no joke. They can sincerely be helpful if you’re hosting Thanksgiving for the first time or just having last-minute doubts…or you could call the turkey hotline for totally ridiculous reasons that nobody would ever believe someone legitimately asked. And yet here we are, with goofball questions that the Butterball hotline operators actually heard and answered professionally. Here’s a few of the silliest.

Where’s the breast meat?
One woman called all bummed out because her turkey had no breast meat. Operator had to then explain it was just upside down (and probably should’ve explained turkeys don’t feature beach bunny cleavage).

How do I give the turkey that nice bikini look?
One woman wanted to impress her guests from the Bahamas with a “tropical” turkey (likely making it the sexiest bird since Black Swan). The operator adhered and recommended placing aluminium foil over the right “naughty” parts of the bird.

Will my chainsaw’s grease ruin the turkey?
One man cut his turkey in half with a chainsaw because sure, I guess, and he legitimately wanted to find out if the chain’s oil would damage the turkey’s flavor. The operator offered a totally out-of-the-blue reply by recommending that you should never carve a turkey with a chainsaw because—no, really, can you think of a more unnecessary thing to explain?

What do I do if I cleaned the turkey with soap?
One woman cleaned her turkey using dish soap and couldn’t get the bird body to stop sudsing, even though you wouldn’t wash other foods with dish soap. The operator suggested just drying it with paper towels instead of rinsing it.

Should I still eat the turkey if it thawed in my lap?
One man won a turkey at a casino, which itself is a good story, but it thawed while he rode home on the bus. The operator refrained from asking him a million questions, suggested not eating a turkey thawed in warmer temperatures, and explained the safest way to thaw a turkey is in a refrigerator (with an expected ratio of one day per every four pounds). So, remember, if you win cold meat at a casino, let it get warm on a public bus, don’t eat it.

[H/T Foodbeast]