Apparently there’s some rule that funerals have to be terribly boring and unfun. Not my funeral though, I want everyone at my funeral to have a fucking blast. And don’t come to me with any excuses like “I don’t drink shots” or “That techno music is giving me seizures.” Just do as you’re told and enjoy the funnest funeral itinerary ever created.

Matt is the senior humor editor at Follow him on Twitter: @mattsurely.